Wilderness to Glory

You alone can satisfy.

So often I walk into a wilderness of my own making. The worst thing about this is that I know I am not heading where God is leading, I know that God wants something different for me, but I choose the wilderness. "I have bowed at the altar of this world and its lies." I choose sin. In light of that, 1 Timothy 1:15 is so clear - I am the worst of sinners. At least sinners who are not Believers don't know the truth. Yes, they choose death, but they don't know the life of Jesus, His sacrifice, His love. But I do know those things. I do know what Jesus has done for me. And even so, I deliberately choose sin, knowing exactly what I am doing. "I have wasted affections on the things You despise."

On Sunday, Pastor Kallam preached on the Samaritan woman at the well. I was so struck by how Jesus offered her living water. My pastor pointed out how Jesus knew the woman's disappointments, her fears, her inadequacies, and her struggles. He knew her sin, and Jesus showed her that she knew nothing else was filling her, nothing was lasting, nothing truly satisfied. Her dreams were constantly struck down. And Jesus acknowledged this, and she was forced to acknowledge that she knew it too. Because the empty things that I constantly try to fill myself with never satisfy. I am always left wanting more. Always.

And still I choose to try. I still choose to try to fulfill myself with things that lead me to the wilderness. And I wander and search and try and look, yet all the while I know the truth.

Even in this, I know that God isn't finished with me. While we were still sinners, Jesus died for us... If you confess your sins, He is faithful and just and will cleanse us from all unrighteousness. While my justification was instantaneous, my sanctification, my cleansing and being made new, is a life-long process. And that is comfort to me. Because I can honestly say, my old self that keeps popping her stubborn head back up can not of herself live for Jesus. Yet Jesus has won my heart, and He is inordinately patient. Thank God for that. And it's funny how He turns "stubbornness" to "perseverance".

When I lead myself into these wildernesses, God still uses them for my good. I am made aware of my need for Him. And even though it doesn't feel like, He forgives me. Then it becomes a matter of trusting Him promises, trusting what He has said, even when I don't feel like its true. Its walking forward step by step, walking where I know He wants me even though I don't feel certain. It is learning to trust that God is who He says He is, that He will uphold His promises. And that is beautiful. Hard, when I am full of doubt and uncertainty, but beautiful, as God stands firm and teaches me to trust Him anew.

At the beginning of the summer, Pastor Kallam discussed who we continually believe in Jesus, or as Mark describes it, "believe into Jesus." With everything in my life, I see anew who Jesus is and what He has done. I believe in Him more today than I did that day in June of 2001, and I know ten years from now I will believe in Him more than I do today as Jesus proves Himself, His faithfulness, time and time again. Because 1 Timothy 1:15 doesn't end with the fact that I am the worst of sinners. "Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His immense patience as an example for those who would believe in Him and receive eternal life." Only God could use my sin to reveal His glory!