Faithfulness Beyond Compare

God's faithfulness is beyond measure. He has the full picture, and He loves to direct us step by step.

I just walked through the hardest time of my life thus far. The accident that my mom was in resulted in a lot of hard for me. Mentally and spiritually, it was the most difficult thing I've ever gone through, and there was not an area of the my life that wasn't affected. By the end of my senior year, I was trying to seek the Lord's will and was learning to just trust where He led. I moved to Boone, excited about an opportunity but not really sure what was next. And my first two months here were still incredibly difficult. The Lord drew me physically away from my family and friends in order to remind me of who He is and why I trust Him. I was broken, and I still didn't feel direction in regards to my future, but I felt the Lord healing my wounds. He taught me to trust Him on a deeper level, and He taught me that following Him is worth it, no matter what. It doesn't matter what my life looks like, how broken or lost I feel - I still desire deep in my soul to follow Jesus. He is all I want. As the Lord worked in my heart, He brought me friends and people who really care about me. The Lord pried open my fingers from around my family, and now I am getting to the place where they are just my family again, not my family-who-might-be-taken-away-from-me. Before I was just holding on too tightly, placing them in a position that wasn't theirs to hold. And God made sure to remind me of that.

January started as a continuation of some hard lessons. The Lord called me to wait on Him, which was very scary. My job here was going to end at the beginning of March, and I had absolutely no idea what was next. Even though a couple opportunities of things to simply apply for came up, God told me to wait. While I second-guessed that and had a couple of late-night phone calls to my mom, the Lord kept calling me back to what I knew to be true. And so I waited.

At the end of the month, a job opened up that seemed like a great fit and a great next step. I applied. And instead of worrying, the Lord enabled me to trust Him. Sure, I had a few moments of worry, but the Lord faithfully checked my spirit and I chose joy instead. I learned a lot about prayer and surrender. And a few times when I was tempted to worry, all throughout January, my dear friend Hilary kept reminding me of what the Lord has done in my life over the last year. A year ago, I was hoping to get a job in Pennsylvania. Praise God He had a different plan! I look at the healing in my life over the last six months, and all I can do is rejoice and praise the Lord. I was committed to rejoicing over the job whether I got the position or not because I knew with a deep settling confidence that God is in control and He has a plan for me. I asked Hilary to hold me accountable to that, to rejoicing no matter what. It was such a beautiful thing, over the last two weeks, because I just rested in the Lord. I had a few moments of worry, like I said, but the Lord was quick to remind me to trust instead. I am so thankful that God knows me intimately and is willing to work however He needs to in order to make me new! I am so thankful for the past two years, because following Jesus is so much sweeter. I have tasted hardship and bitterness and despair, but Jesus is worth it.

I am now in this time of great blessing. Because of the ways He works and the plan that He had, the Lord used the events and troubles and sorrows and joys of the last two years to make my walk with Him so much sweeter. I know things about Him and about myself that have prepared me for this moment and for my future, and I am so thankful! I know hard times will come again - heck, they could even come an hour from now - but I am confident in the Lord.

On Friday I found out I got the job. I know my next step, and I am preparing to walk forward in it. I am now making plans to settle in here, at least until God shows me the next step. So I am making living arrangements and planning to get more involved in my church and with my friends. It is very exciting, and sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Is this right? This is too good!" But in the next instant, the Lord reminds me that He answers prayer - and all those dark moments when I was praying for direction and to know His will and to be following His leading so intimately again, He was just saying, "Wait." And though I don't deserve this, all of these blessings are the Lord's reward, in some way, for continuing to follow Him. That seems so strange - that God would reward me for following Him, especially with the ways I stumble along the path - but truly it is just a reminder that God is faithful and He loves me.

This could have not turned out this way - I just as easily could still be waiting, a little scared but determined to rejoice. And I know that I would still be writing the same things. God is faithful. He has directed me to this place, and I am confident in who He is and His plan for me, for all of His people. As I praise God for His blessings right now, I am also thanking Him for all the hard I had to go through, and for the hard that is yet to come. That makes my heart beat a little faster, but at the same time my soul is at peace. As the man tells Jesus in the book of Mark, "I believe! Lord, help my unbelief!" That is where I am walking. I believe, no matter what. God has taught me to trust Him in a new way. No matter what blessings lie ahead - be they easy or hard - I want to follow the Lord. Most of all, give me Jesus.

A Year

A month ago, I dreaded this day. I don't know, I think I feared the emotions and memories it would bring up. But as I wrote in my church bulletin this morning (during a service which I honestly didn't pay much attention to till the end), this day has only the power that I give it.

A year ago, my life was changed. I know exactly what I was doing at this time on this day a year ago. I remember waking up to the call from Daddy, packing my things and including a black dress but not allowing myself to think about why, driving straight to the hospital, seeing Daddy's face and feeling his arms around me as I exited the elevators on the 9th floor. I remember walking into Mama's ICU cubicle, shoving all the tears and fears aside, touching her hand and just crying out to Jesus in my heart. April 21, 2012 is a day that I never want to re-live again.

At the same time, if there is another April 21 in my life - and I am sure there will be - there are also somethings I know to be true. Even though this has been the hardest year of my life for a number of reasons, I am still confident in the Lord. I know that He is all that He has promised. I know that He is who He says He is. I know that even as I wander and wait and hope, He is there, He is my Shepherd, my source, my redemption, my life. Even on my worst days, I can say that with confidence. And that confidence only comes from Him.

I am thankful for the work that God has done in my family. I am thankful for what He is doing in my life, even though I honestly can't tell you what that is right now. I am thankful for last summer, I am thankful for the issues and emotions and everything that has been brought up because of the car accident. I don't blame "the accident" for the year that I've had; well, ok, sometimes I do. But I know that God has the best for me in every moment, and He was willing to use that moment of impact to transform me and my family.

I look at the year we have walked through, and honestly, a year is just a measure of time. This isn't over for us, and it may never be. Our story doesn't have a neat ending tied up with a bow. But even I as I wander through this wilderness, these words resonate from my soul: God is faithful. He holds me, and His plan for me is so beyond my plan for myself. It doesn't make sense most of the time, but I can tell you with every cell in my body that I know that God is who He says He is. He is faithful to His promises. And He is worth everything.

What Did I Expect?

In the last eleven months, we have been told so many things by doctors and therapists and medical people, only for them not to work out. More often than not, Mama hears "bad" news whenever she visits the doctor or even the physical therapist (bad news meaning another problem that reveals itself or even just the fact that things that should be better aren't). Now we're at a place where we've been told some good news, but I am having a very hard time hoping that it is true.

It is like part of me is just afraid to hope, to try, to be optimistic. When I look back at how I felt when the accident first happened, I was so full of hope and confidence. I was so ready to see how God was working, I was so ready for a miracle, I was so ready to choose optimism because I figured it couldn't hurt. Well, I learned that choosing optimism and hope actually can hurt. It can hurt a lot when your hopes are constantly dashed. Proverbs 13 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick," and I understand that verse so well after the last eleven months.

But I am also realizing (today, in fact) that hope is worth the hurt. I am trying to choose to hope even though it sometimes results in a bruised and aching heart. At the Easter service on Sunday, Pastor Kallam said something that is resonating with me today. In Luke, chapter 24 talks about the women at the empty tomb who were wondering what had happened. Two angels appeared before them and said, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; He has risen! Remember how He told you..." When Jesus appears to His disciples and the women after defeating death, it is kind of like He asks them, "Well, what did you expect?"

So what is hope if you aren't willing to risk being hurt? If I can't risk my heart, is that really trusting? Ultimately, I know that Jesus has won. I know that Jesus has His best for me in every single moment. I know that Jesus' plans for me are far better than my dreams for myself. It is hard to trust that and to hope in that when it feels like I've been let down, or that my hopes have been crushed. But I am challenging myself to hope anyway. Jesus has proven Himself, so many times. He promises that He will not grow tired or weary, He will give strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength in Him. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. I am challenging myself to run to Jesus with my hurt, to be honest with Him and myself, and to trust in who He has proven Himself to be and in the promises He has made. It is less a sudden confidence and more a desperation that demands I find shelter in Jesus. He is all that He promises. He will carry me and He will sustain me. So I will trust and hope.

 Because what else do I really expect?

Faithfulness

Today in church we sang, "Great is Thy Faithfulness." Lines from that song were constantly running through my head while Mama was in the hospital after her accident. In particular, I clung to the promise of "strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow - blessings all mine and ten thousand beside! Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!"

Singing those words today, I was reminded of how true they are. God is so faithful. I see that just as clearly today as I did after April 21st. God has proven His faithfulness to me over and over in the past eight months. He brought us amazing home health care through people like Buffy. He provided amazing women to sit with Mama when I started my internship. He healed and, I believe, is continuing to heal Mama. He gave me supportive friends at school to help me transition back to life in college. He used me even in my brokenness to minister to others (Jesus is not afraid to take our sin and mess and use it for His glory!). He provided a counselor to talk me through all I had been through over the the summer. He is my strength when I am weak. He is the stronghold of my life. He moves me and shapes me even when I am wandering. He never gives up on me.

It amazes me to realize some of these things. I am so not worthy of His faithfulness, except that He loves me. That is the hope that I cling to. Even in my darkest moments, I can say with confidence, "God is faithful."

Life and Hope

Life is messy. I think I'm just beginning to realize how messy.

Currently, my life is still reeling from April 21, the day of Mama's accident. I'm still coping with all that happened, with all that went on over the summer, with being back at school, and with what the future looks like for my family. Plus I'm starting to try to make some decision about the future, which is crazy. But what is amazing to me is how pervasive the affects of April 21 are on me. There is not an area of my life that was not affected by it. I was sitting in church today thinking about how my relationship with the Lord has been impacted, and to be perfectly honest, not all of it feels good. I still feel sometimes like I was abandoned, like I walked alone, like I am still wandering in the wilderness, looking for something, anything, to give me some direction. I'm learning to rely on what I know to be true in an entirely new way. I was cleaning some drawers today, and I found a quote that rings truer to me now than when I first copied it down. "Even Jesus kept His scars after the resurrection. My stains are beautiful to Him, and as I become dirtier and more beat up, I am becoming perfect, transformed into the image of the One who made me. And I am thankful!" (Katie Davis, Kisses From Katie) The first time I read that, I'm sure I imagined becoming dirtier by serving the Lord, but now I see it as just living life.

Life is messy. Things happen, and they change you. Whether it is something like my summer in Hungary, that truly changed and shaped the way I view faith, my relationship with God, and missions, or a car accident that totally disrupts the direction of your life, life refuses to leave you alone. And sometimes it feels like I am sinking deeper and deeper into the mud. I cling to my lifeline in Jesus, and I keep wading through. The further I go, the more I realize that all I know is that Jesus is.


I've always pictured "hope" as one of those words like happiness, surrounded by daisies and light and butterflies. It has always seemed like one of those words you use when everything is bright and good and you have hope.

In fact, I am realizing that quite the opposite is true. Now hope means something deeper. Its a word for when all is dark and confusing and you aren't really sure what the next minute holds. It is a word for when despair clutches at the edges of your soul, when all you want is to give in, but instead you stand there and hold on with all you have. That is hope.

Hope means you know the odds. You know the chances. You know that everything is falling out of your grasp and that which is most feared is right at your fingertips and there is nothing you can do about it. Hope is recognizing all of those things but choosing to trust. Hope is choosing in that moment to say, "Thy will be done." Hope is clinging instead to what you know to be true - God's own glory, His salvation, His power, and His purpose. Hope is knowing that His plan may not be what you want but realizing that all you can do is trust Him.

Right now, my life is covered in dirt. I walk through the day battling different demons breathing down my neck - memories, what-ifs, worries. But even in those moments, I cling to hope, knowing that Jesus is, and that is enough. It is hard, harder than anything, but He refuses to let me go, and that is my assurance.

God's Kindness

"...God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance" (Romans 2:4).

I am seeing how constantly the Lord draws me back to Himself. He is truly patient. I think about this verse, and it moves me. How often God reveals to me how I have offended Him, yet He chooses to forgive that sin. I think about His discipline, which to me is His ultimate form of kindness. After all, God disciplines those He loves (Hebrews 12). God disciplines me so gently, so patiently. He loves me enough to work in my life, to transform me into someone new. What other god loves like this? 

So often I wrestle and fight, and as I have written before, I always feel God's delight in those moments. Even as they are so hard, and I hurt and I kick and I scream, those battles are my old self fighting against the new one, the one God has created out of the rubble of my life. And oh the beauty that exists there! I know that as God works in me, disciplines me, and allows me to have those struggles, He is triumphant. He is urging me on, encouraging me, molding me here and smoothing me there, laughing in victory. 

Right now, the Lord is soothing my soul. He is giving me rest, reminding me of Himself and of the truth to which I cling with all my strength. He is gently calling me to Himself, easing my spirit and gentling my heart. After this summer, my heart is worn a little around the edges, and God is reminding me of some things of which I desperately need to be reminded. 

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine! Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine! Heir of salvation, purchase of God, born of His Spirit, washed in His blood - this is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long! That is the truth I am holding onto, and of which God is reminding me.

Whether it is in those moments of fighting or in the gentle ministrations of His spirit, God shows me His kindness, and it leads me to repentance. He is restoring me bit by bit, and I am not the same as I once was. 

To Fight

God never intended following Him to be easy.

There is a reason Paul wrote, "I have fought the good fight." Too often I focus on the adjective "good" rather than the verb - a form of "fight". Following God is something that happens, its something we actively choose and do.

Essentially, everything about knowing the Lord is a battle. It is a constant battle to let go of myself, to relinquish my independence, to sacrifice my selfishness. It is a fight to choose thankfulness, to choose joy, to choose His glory. It is a fight to choose how God meant for me to live - not trying to glorify me but to reveal His glory, not taking on a role that I was never intended to have but surrendering to how God meant it to be. Fighting means making conscious choices, and it means being on my guard. Following God is hard, because it goes against everything my old self tells me to do. My old self fights against my new self to be in control. That is the "good fight," my new self battling my old sinful self. I feel that so keenly. I constantly want to choose my way, but I have to buck and kick and claw to chose His way.

It is hard. And it can be exhausting at the times when I don't "feel" a difference. And that's also a fight - choosing faith not emotion. All of this fighting, this resisting and grappling and overcoming and failing and striving and withstanding, is beautiful. I think that the beauty of knowing the Lord, of following Him, is in the battle. While it would be easy for God to just "fix" me in an instant, what is the purpose of that? It is because of the fight that not only do I truly understand my own sin and my desperate need for the Lord, but it is through the battle that God makes me new. I have this mental image of God's face when I'm fighting, when I'm wrestling for Him. I imagine His wide grin, His victorious laughter, His pride, and His encouragement. He has equipped me, and I imagine Him urging me on, delighting in my battles. Because fighting the good fight is what most reveals God's glory, and it is what most reveals His love for me.