Waiting Confidently

When I read Daddy's blog post from today, I had already started working on the one I am now posting. Sorry that there is a little overlap, but apparently it was on both of our hearts!

Today, for some reason, I have just wanted to talk to Mama. So many times today, I've picked up my phone, found her name in my contacts, and been ready to click "call" before I remember. She is the one I go to in everything - she's my best friend. And today, it has just been hard that I can't talk to her. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that she is still alive and I will be able to talk to her next week, and soon she will be able to talk back. Trust me, I am so aware that it could easily be the other way. But as Mama always says, my real is my real. Right now, my real is that I just want to talk to her and I can't. Today it has been really easy for me to feel sorry for myself, for Mama, for my family.

But God is not letting me rest in that, thank goodness. I have so much to be thankful for, and that sense of gratitude is never far from me. Every time I start feeling down or sorry for myself, God leads me to this place of comfort and content. I mentioned before, I have surrendered her to Him, and He keeps reminding me of that. My hope is in Him, and His joy is my strength. That was one of my favorite parts of Psalm 68, when it says, "He is the one who gives power and strength to His people." Even as He comforts and strengthens me, I still want to talk to my mom, but I also rest in the fact that God has prepared me for where He has me, and He will never leave me nor forsake me.

There is nothing wrong in being uncertain, or sad, or "melancholy" (that one's for you, Katie), or whatever it is that I'm feeling. I realize that. But I am also choosing not to wallow in it, and to choose joy instead. I love what Daddy said, "When you wait on God, no time is lost." And that is where we are, this period of waiting. And waiting is hard, it really is. These next months will be full of waiting - waiting for the next step forward. It will be hard, a different kind of hard than we've ever known. But its worth it.  That I know with confidence. In the end, being where God designed for me to be, doing what He intended me to do, is the only place I want to be. It doesn't matter how hard it is, because it is always right to be there. Its always worth it. I believe what I wrote, that God is going to use this to spread His gospel and His glory. In that lies my confidence in all of this. No matter how much I wish I could call Mama on the phone and talk to her right now, that fades in comparison to how much I want God to be glorified through this. I am willing to wait if it means God will be glorified. That sounds so holy and good of me, and I don't mean for it to come off that way. I have just lived enough, even in my short 21 years, to know that it is always worth it, every time, to go through whatever I have to as long as I am where God wants me to be. I can't think of a way to say it that doesn't sound trite. But I know, I know, deep in my soul on some integral part of my foundation, that in His will is where I want to be. And so even though it isn't easy, I am willing to wait.

Psalm 68

I woke up with Psalm 68 on my heart, and I wanted to share some highlights:

"God shall arise, His enemies shall be scattered; and those who hate Him shall flee before Him! As smoke is driven away, so you shall drive them away; as wax melts before fire, so the wicked shall perish before God! But the righteous shall be glad; they shall exult before God; they shall be jubilant with joy! Sing to God, sing praises to His name; lift up a song to Him who rises through the deserts; His name is the Lord; exult before Him! Father of the fatherless and protector of the widows is God in His holy habitation. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing...Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation, and to God, the Lord, belong deliverances from death...O kingdoms of the earth, sing to God; sing praises to the Lord, to Him who rides in the heavens, the ancient heavens; behold, He sends out His voice, His mighty voice. Ascribe power to God, whose majesty is over Israel, and whose power is in the skies. Awesome is God from His sanctuary; the God of Israel -  He is the one who gives power and strength to His people. Blessed be God!"

New Kind of Difficult

There are some very different categories of difficult. If you've read my blog for any period of time, you know I wrestle a lot with the "daily difficult" (gross, I hate alliteration), what it means to follow Jesus on a daily basis. And now I am having to deal with the current trials that have come our way. Honestly, if I hadn't been learning how the first category, I would not be as okay with this new kind of difficult as I am.

I have learned to love wrestling. I love delving into those issues and getting to the hard and working it out with God until I understand, like Jacob did in Genesis. God has really developed a sense of joy in those trials, as James discusses in the New Testament. Which makes it that much easier to see this new kind of difficult as a blessing. I honestly believe that God has worked in my family, and now He's using this circumstance and saying, "World, watch and see who I am and the work that I do." He has made my family - as individuals and as a unit - into a new creation, and this is the time that it is most evident. I just have this sense of God smiling as He watches us - not that we aren't struggling, and not that there aren't a number of issues that we are working through in this process, but in all of it, we keep coming back to one thing: may God be glorified.

There are hard moments: tonight when I had to leave the hospital for the last time for a while as I return to school to take finals that I don't give a darn about right now; Sunday night when I truly thought I was going to lose my mom and had to surrender her to the Lord and say with complete trust, "Thy will be done"; watching my family struggle with this situation and knowing that even though I understand, I can't help them in these issues except by being there and loving them; seeing my mom hooked up to machines and tubes and all bruised up - my mom, who has always been the strong one, always been the capable one, always been the glue of our family. Its hard to see her like that, but at the same time, I am so confident in God's plan for her and for me and for our family and for our community. I look at her and I rejoice, because there is no reason in the world that she should have survived that car accident except that God is going to continue to use her for His purpose. And that is the greatest place to be in this entire universe. Every time I see Mama in that hospital bed, that is what I think about, and I walk confidently, and I rejoice in the fact that He is not done with her yet! That knowledge, that confidence, that certainty is what pushes me forward and makes me smile and allows me to laugh and grants me grace. God is so faithful, and I don't say that just because she survived the accident. I say that will full certainty, because I have already seen and heard ways that He is using this for His purposes.

I don't know. This is long and rambley and probably doesn't even make a lot of sense. I am just so thankful that God has prepared me as His child, my mother as His instrument, and my family as His unit for this circumstance. I am so thankful that God knew He could use us. I am so grateful that this happened to us, who know the Truth and understand that this is bigger than us, rather than someone who didn't know that. I know that sounds ridiculous to say, and I don't wish this happened to anyone, but of anyone it could happen to, thank God it was us!

Thank You

Many of my friends were able to see Les Mis last weekend, and one of my friends quotes on Facebook, "To love another person is to see the face of God." I was really struck by that, because its true in so many ways, but right now I am on the other side. To be loved by another person is to see the face of God.

This applies in so many ways. First, my mother. Mama is my best friend, my confidante, my pedicure-and-restaurant-buddy. She listens and gives advice and jokes with me and pushes me and encourages me and is always there for me and loves me unconditionally. I love her more than I have words to say. Particularly this weekend, many people have told me how I am just like her, and there is no greater honor than to be told those words. She has shaped me and taught me and showed me Jesus in so many ways, and I am so proud that she is my mother. To love her is to experience God's love in a certain way, but to be loved by her is to have a physical representation of who God is and His love for me. I can't really explain it more than that without crying, but truly, God uses Mama to love me, whether its checking my spirit or pushing me or encouraging me or just enjoying me. Our relationship is a constant reminder of what a relationship with God looks like. That sounds weird and trite and cheesy, but I don't know how else to put it.

Secondly, right now my fridge is full to overflowing and my phone is full of texts and calls and my email is blowing up and my Facebook is out of control with love from other people. We as a family and I as an individual have been so supported and loved in the past three days. I cannot being to tell you the people who have come by or given food or just offered support. My church family has been incredible. And that doesn't even touch my friends at school. I have received so many messages, just offering a sweet sentence and promises of prayer. I have emails from people who I honestly wouldn't have thought to tell about this just loving on me. I have never felt this supported in my entire life. I honestly in so many ways feel carried. My burden is light because it is shared, both with God and with those around me. This is what it means to be the Body of Christ. This is what it means to share my yoke with Him, with those He provides. God is so faithful - not just because Mama is doing well, but because He fulfills His promises and He uses His people to be His hands and feet. I have seen God in every text, every call, every hug, every message, every meal, every offer of help and prayer.

Thank you for loving us. Thank you for being faithful to that which God has called you. Thank you for your encouragement and support. God knew we couldn't do this without you, and I can only praise Him for giving us y'all! You have loved us, and we have seen the face of God.

For more updates, please check out www.raymelick.blogspot.com 

Mama

Saturday morning, Mama was in a car accident. They had to remove the side of the car to get her out. Based on the pictures, she honestly shouldn't be alive, so I thank God that we still have her with us! Mama's left ribs were torn away from her sternum and all broken, and a right rib was broken as well. Her liver was lacerated, a lung collapsed, and they had to remove her spleen. All of that was taken care of, for the most part, on Saturday. They stopped the internal bleeding and did everything they could. The worst is that her pelvis is really messed up and will require major reconstruction. Doctors suspect she will most likely walk with a limp for the rest of her life. 

They are keeping Mama in a medically-induced coma till the end of the week, so she's on a ventilator and everything. She'll be in the trauma ICU for 2-3 weeks, then in a "regular" room for another 2-3 weeks after that. Then they'll send her home in a wheelchair. It'll be about three months in a wheelchair until she starts rehab for her pelvis. 

I am so very thankful that God already had us ready for this - I was already going to be home for the summer, I just got my car last weekend, Roecker just got a lot more freedom after finishing "knob" year at The Citadel, etc. 

 

I am confident that God is going to use this for His glory - He has already worked in peoples' hearts. I am excited to see how else this spreads the Gospel, and I know that Mama is thinking the same thing. Honestly, I don't wish this on anyone, but I am thankful that we are a family bound by the Gospel, confident in the work that God is doing and in His plan for us.

The best moment in this by far happened tonight. The doctors weren't happy with Mama's blood work, so they went ahead and did surgery. Turns out, she just didn't like packing they had in her abdomen, and her heart was "bruised" and not wanting to produce the enzymes/steroids/etc. that her body needed (She will crack up reading this blog when she wakes up - clearly I am NOT a medical person!). The doctors can easily give her the steroids she needs, they removed the packing, and immediately her body started stabilizing! Well, I was in the waiting room waiting on Daddy to come back out to tell us the news. A bunch of people from my church showed up, and everyone fell silent as Daddy shared. I just cried and cried. It was such a holy moment, and after he finished, we all held hands and prayed and thanked God. It was just one of those moments that sticks with you forever - that was the Body in action, where two or more are gathered, Jesus is there, and He was most definitely present tonight! 

 

Thank you to everyone who has prayed and cared for us already. The love and support that has been shown to my family has truly blown me away. I am so thankful, there are not enough words so express how I feel and what I wish I could say to so many people. God is so good, He is so faithful in every single moment, and I love seeing how His will is being done even in a circumstance that can sometimes seem dark and hopeless. Yet I can confidently say, "Thy will be done" because I know the God I serve!

Please rejoice with me over the great news tonight, and keep praying for Mama's continual recovery in the next days, weeks, and months ahead. 

Commitment

The Christian life is very cyclical. Those things that I think I know, I find myself having to relearn again and again. There are times of great trust and joy, and then there are times of great trust and sorrow. There are times when I stand back and watch God move, and there are times when I have to fight to keep believing, to keep hoping, to keep waiting.

What I have realized is that this is how God intended it. Not originally, but after Adam and Eve sinned, God made a way through His Son. And He didn't intend for that to be it. From the start, God intended to make me new. He intended to lead me through the cycle of joy, sorrow, sin, salvation, belief and doubt, and then have it start all over again. He intended for me to fall into myself, my sin, my mess, in order to remind me of who He is and what He has done and is doing in me. God never meant for a quick fix. As frustrating as that can be, when I find myself struggling with the same thing over and over and over, it is also something I rejoice in. Because even though I fail, I know that God has not given up on me. When I fail, I know that God truly uses all things for my good, and He will use even that failure to draw me to Himself and make me new.

If I were God, I would just fix everything once. But the beauty lies in the continuity. Nothing else can save me but the Lord. And not only does He save me, but He commits to a relationship with me. He devotes Himself to me, to recreating me, to working in me, to spending time with me, to loving me, to teaching me to trust Him more. That is what it means to have a relationship, that is what it means to be sanctified, that is what it means to know the Lord. Not only does God save me, He commits to me. Knowing that just brings me back to my knees in wonder, awe, and praise.

Forgiveness Like A Crown

There is a song that we sing at my church back home, one that I have written about before. Its been on my mind lately, and I feel like its very appropriate during Holy Week.

The chorus says, "I trade my ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown. Coming to kiss the feet of mercy, I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross." In those two sentences, the importance of this week is explained. Without Jesus, I am nothing; my life is soot and ash. Yet, because of Jesus' work through the cross and resurrection, I can not only approach Him, surrender my burdens to Him, and walk freely in Him, but I wear forgiveness like a crown. I think about how to wear a crown, and it involves keeping one's head held high, proudly and confidently, secure in the knowledge of what you have and what it means. And when I think of wearing forgiveness like a crown,  that same image comes to mind, yet there is no responsibility, no shame - just forgiveness, joy, hope, and love.

If someone is wearing a crown, there is no doubt about it being there. Its pretty obvious. And I think about that with forgiveness. I wear forgiveness like a crown. It is undoubtedly there - I have undoubtedly and securely been forgiven. And even more, God displays that forgiveness on me through my life, choosing to use me to display the gift of the cross and the empty tomb to the world.