God's Kindness

"...God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance" (Romans 2:4).

I am seeing how constantly the Lord draws me back to Himself. He is truly patient. I think about this verse, and it moves me. How often God reveals to me how I have offended Him, yet He chooses to forgive that sin. I think about His discipline, which to me is His ultimate form of kindness. After all, God disciplines those He loves (Hebrews 12). God disciplines me so gently, so patiently. He loves me enough to work in my life, to transform me into someone new. What other god loves like this? 

So often I wrestle and fight, and as I have written before, I always feel God's delight in those moments. Even as they are so hard, and I hurt and I kick and I scream, those battles are my old self fighting against the new one, the one God has created out of the rubble of my life. And oh the beauty that exists there! I know that as God works in me, disciplines me, and allows me to have those struggles, He is triumphant. He is urging me on, encouraging me, molding me here and smoothing me there, laughing in victory. 

Right now, the Lord is soothing my soul. He is giving me rest, reminding me of Himself and of the truth to which I cling with all my strength. He is gently calling me to Himself, easing my spirit and gentling my heart. After this summer, my heart is worn a little around the edges, and God is reminding me of some things of which I desperately need to be reminded. 

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine! Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine! Heir of salvation, purchase of God, born of His Spirit, washed in His blood - this is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long! That is the truth I am holding onto, and of which God is reminding me.

Whether it is in those moments of fighting or in the gentle ministrations of His spirit, God shows me His kindness, and it leads me to repentance. He is restoring me bit by bit, and I am not the same as I once was. 

To Fight

God never intended following Him to be easy.

There is a reason Paul wrote, "I have fought the good fight." Too often I focus on the adjective "good" rather than the verb - a form of "fight". Following God is something that happens, its something we actively choose and do.

Essentially, everything about knowing the Lord is a battle. It is a constant battle to let go of myself, to relinquish my independence, to sacrifice my selfishness. It is a fight to choose thankfulness, to choose joy, to choose His glory. It is a fight to choose how God meant for me to live - not trying to glorify me but to reveal His glory, not taking on a role that I was never intended to have but surrendering to how God meant it to be. Fighting means making conscious choices, and it means being on my guard. Following God is hard, because it goes against everything my old self tells me to do. My old self fights against my new self to be in control. That is the "good fight," my new self battling my old sinful self. I feel that so keenly. I constantly want to choose my way, but I have to buck and kick and claw to chose His way.

It is hard. And it can be exhausting at the times when I don't "feel" a difference. And that's also a fight - choosing faith not emotion. All of this fighting, this resisting and grappling and overcoming and failing and striving and withstanding, is beautiful. I think that the beauty of knowing the Lord, of following Him, is in the battle. While it would be easy for God to just "fix" me in an instant, what is the purpose of that? It is because of the fight that not only do I truly understand my own sin and my desperate need for the Lord, but it is through the battle that God makes me new. I have this mental image of God's face when I'm fighting, when I'm wrestling for Him. I imagine His wide grin, His victorious laughter, His pride, and His encouragement. He has equipped me, and I imagine Him urging me on, delighting in my battles. Because fighting the good fight is what most reveals God's glory, and it is what most reveals His love for me.