Twenty Tomorrow

This may be a little cheesy to do, but y'all know I like to remember things in order to remind myself of what God has done and to remember to be thankful.

Tomorrow is my birthday! I'll be twenty years old. I can't believe I am even writing those words. Twenty is that age I always thought about when I was little, as though twenty would be the essence of my life. I thought I would be cool, I would dress nicely, I would be this bubbly and smiling person who had lots of friends and who loved other people with all her might. Depending on the year, I either saw myself as a famous singer (haha, I'll admit it! Its true!), a missionary (usually working at in orphanage in Latin America. Why Latin America? I have no idea), or else a girl in college (that one was only when  I was trying to be most realistic). Well, the last one came true! And at least for a short time, the second one will be true as well! (That's weird!)

It is strange, because this year I have grown up a lot. God challenged me, disciplined me, and changed me more in the year I was nineteen than ever before. I'm  just a little different than I was this time last year, and a lot different than I was this time two years ago! That may sound immature to say, but it is true. I have learned a lot, and the things I have learned have made me grow up a little. Which is weird, because in some part of my mind, I am still a little blond-headed girl, imagining things and dreaming and playing with her brothers and her Barbies. Deep inside of me, there will always be that girl who laughed and played, who went on dates with her Grandpa and loved going to the grocery store with her daddy and wanted to be just like her mama when she grew up and made up games with her brothers. Those are memories but they are integral to who I am now. And I do still have inside me the parts of that little girl who thought about things and wanted to truly be good and learn things.  I still love to imagine the future. I'm still incredibly and unrealistically idealistic. I still love my family more than anyone or anything else. Those things shaped me and made me who I am, and I can never "outgrow" those things. But even as I think about those parts of me, there are other parts, parts that have learned that following God is a lot harder and a lot more worth it than I ever knew. Parts that have been hurt deeply but have also learned much. There's this weird sense of combination as I think about being twenty. I even feel as I type these things that part of little four-year-old me, and then little eight-year-old me, and then ten-year-old me, and then thirteen-year-old me, and then sixteen-year-old me, and seventeen-year-old-me, and then my almost-twenty-year-old me are echoing through. Its a surreal feeling. I know, that probably sounds ridiculous. It probably sounds like I'm being unnecessarily contemplative or dramatic or something. And maybe I am. But it is good for me to remember, and if nothing else, it describes as best I can how I feel right now.

Its even stranger to realize that at twenty, I have my entire life ahead of me! I mean, just this year, I have so many plans! I'm unbelievably excited about going and serving God in Hungary this summer. And then I have about four months in Brussels (with trips to the rest of Europe, of course)! That is insane! Then it will be back to school and a few more months and I'll be twenty-one. Wow.

Ok, thank you for indulging me.

Hit the Ground Running

Now comes the battle.

I have the news that I can go to Hungary. The plans are set and rolling. I know the next steps that I have to take. So now I have to battle against worry and control. No sooner did Jimbo tell me how much money I am supposed to raise than I started worrying about how I was going to get it all. I started writing down names of everyone I knew and worrying if it would be enough. But then I had to sit back and remember. God made this happen. He opened these doors, He smoothed the path, He ordained this. How dare I start to take back control now? I've seen what He can do, especially surrounding this Hungary internship. I know that to Him, this amount of money is nothing. I know that to Him, traveling through unknown airports is nothing. I know that to Him, the brief amount of time I have to raise the money and get ready to go is nothing. I know that to Him, His people are worth all of this and more. He has shown me His love, that He was ready to move heaven and earth to be with us. What is a little money, time, travel, etc?

So its a constant battle. I definitely start trying to be in control, worrying about how I'm going to do it all. But the Spirit is quick to remind me that I'm not doing any of it! Jesus has been in control of this since June 22, 2010, when I set off for Hungary for the second time and God changed my heart. I am confident. I can rest in the Lord, in His power, and in His will. My sole desire is His glory in everything. I'm bathing this trip in prayer, every minute. Please be praying for me, that I would struggle and remember and trust.

Of course, there is an additional battle. How the heck am I going to get school work done when I know that I'll be back in Diosd for most of the summer?!?!

Our God

I cannot tell you how good God is. He is so faithful and righteous and sovereign and true. And yes, its easy for me to say this right now, but I believe it. I want to tell you what He has done because I have to praise Him for it! I want to shout it out to everyone!

Last year in Hungary, I really felt like God was calling me back. I've had an addiction/love affair with missions since I went on my first real missions trip after eighth grade. And last summer, God moved my heart. I connected with the people there in such a deep way. I was able to talk with them about things that usually take years of friendship to get to. God moved my hear to do His will, and He left me with this incredible desire to go back. I mentioned it to one of the pastors' wives, Ildi, and she got excited and started planning. She mentioned it to my youth pastor, who was excited. I got home, emailed my missions pastor, and he jumped on board as well! It has taken eight months - EIGHT MONTHS - to get the approval for this. I've had to send countless annoying emails to my missions pastor, Jimbo, nagging and nagging him for information. I know I've driven him, and thus the Paulus people, crazy with this. But today I got the email saying I could plan on going!

God is so good! He gave me this desire to go back, and He asked me to step out in faith that it would happen. He gave me the courage to say yes, He laid it on my heart to be persistent, and in the end, He made it happen! He gave me this love for these people, and He is not willing to let it lie fallow. Even if this past fall, all the things I've learned this year, happened and I didn't end up getting to go to Hungary this summer, it was still worth it. The Lord has taught me so much about Himself, what He asks of me, what it means for me to follow Him, what it means to love other people and desperately desire for them to know Him, and so much more. I am so honored and humbled that God takes the time to do these things in me! I am so amazed.

I still have a lot of work to do. I have to raise a lot of money. Please pray for that. I don't have much time. But I am confident in my God. He is great, He is stronger, He is higher, and His plan will be accomplished! I am so in awe. I can't even believe it. Praise the Lord!

Desperate

I have so many posts that I need to write. So much has been going through my mind. I've had a number of things I've needed to process and deal with.

I think the most pervasive issues of the week has been violence. I've really had to face man's utter depravity in shocking, horrific, and unspeakable ways. Thankfully, none of these have been experienced first hand. I had to read Bapsi Sidhwa's Cracking India for a class, and I am currently writing a paper comparing the novel with the movie adaptation, Earth. While the book describes truly horrific scenes, the movie actually shows some of them (at least shows enough for viewers to get more than the idea of what was occurring). Additionally, I'm working on a paper for my Women, Gender, Islam class where I'm comparing the treatment of  Muslim women in America (particularly post-9/11) with the treatment of Muslim women in India (particularly with the Godhra train burning in 2002, an event that lead to the death of 790 Muslims). Both of these incidents lead to the occurrence of truly terrible violence - rape, murder, burning, etc.

I've been reading these things, and I sit at my computer with tears in my eyes, only able to shake my head and pray. It has truly been trying and horrible and impossible to process. It has affected my week in a lot of ways, as even when I'm doing fun things, I have these pent-up thoughts in my mind about these events. I'm truly broken at what we as sinful human beings are capable of (and I number myself among them! While I may not have physically "murdered" someone, I have torn many people down with my words and actions).

I just see the need for Jesus so much right now! I'm faced with our depravity, the sin we are incomprehensibly capable of of, and I see so much more my need for a Savior, a Redeemer, One who forgives and makes me new. Yes, I must be made new. I must. Who I actually am is worthless and filthy and disgusting. I cannot understand Jesus' love me me despite that. I can't understand how He can love me knowing me as He does. But He does. And all I can do in response to that is be truly humbled, bow own in worship and thankfulness, and promise to spread His truth and love to those who don't know.

Lord, I Need You (lyrics)

This song really speaks to my heart this week. Lord, I need you, oh how I need You! Every hour, I need you!

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here, I find my rest
And without You, I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour, I need You
My one Defence, my Righteousness
Oh, God, how I need You!

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free!
Holiness is Christ in me!
Yes, where You are, Lord, I am free!
Holiness is Christ in me!

Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour, I need You
My one Defence, my Righteousness
Oh, God, how I need You!

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand, I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand, I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay!

Lord, I need You!
Oh, I need You!
Every hour, I need You!
My one Defence, my Righteousness,
Oh, God, how I need you!

Lord, I need You!
Oh, I need You!
Every hour, I need You!
My one Defence, my Righteousness,
Oh, God, how I need You!
My one Defence, my Righteouness,
Oh, God, how I need You!

These Are The Days

Spring Break, or Wonder Week 11 as we called it, was one of the best weeks of my life.

It had been such a busy semester, and I really needed a break. I was going with eight of my favorite and dearest friends, and I knew it was going to be fun. And it exceeded my expectations!

Ready to go!

We headed to Hilton Head Island on Friday. We played Mad Libs in the car and sang to music and had a nice relaxing drive. Then we got to Mary Grace's house, ate dinner, met her parents, and went to bed! We had a very leisurely Saturday morning, getting up whenever and eating breakfast. Then we headed to the beach! It was cold, so we laid out in our long sleeves, but it was so good to be back at the beach! Laura and I went for a really long walk, which was great.

Shivering on the beach!

Karen and I - this pic cracks me up

For dinner that night, Mary Grace's parents made us the best food. Seriously, it was excellent. Bowtie pasta, broccolli, grilled chicken, fruit, and salad. Yum. On Sunday, we had another leisurely morning (that became the routine). Some of us went for a nice long walk around Mary Grace's neighborhood (or "plantation"). That afternoon, we headed to the J Crew outlet, shopped for a little while, and then we saw that the day had turned unexpectedly beautiful! Mary Grace led us to this great little beach, where we frolicked for a while. That was a fantastic time. It was so nice and warm and windy and beautiful!

All of us!

Me and Katie :)

Requisite jumping picture

That night, Mr. Short barbequed, and some of our guy friends came over for dinner. We ate and made s'mores and talked. That was the day I gave about 6 "inspirational speeches." It was such a good day, I wanted to hold on to every minute. And every minute that I wanted to hold on to, I just told everyone! They laughed at me, but I cherish that day in my memory.

The next day we went to the Outlets because it was rainy and cold. Then we went back to the house and chilled for a while, until we went to Sea Pines. There we walked around the harbor and then we ate at Mary Grace's favorite restaurant, Truffles!  It was DELICIOUS! It was beautiful in Sea Pines, at the harbor, and all the little shops.

At the harbor at Sea Pines

On Tuesday, we headed to Savannah! We got there around lunch time. We had packed a picnic, so we ate in one of the squares. Then we headed to River Street! It was so neat! We shopped on Broughton Street, and then Laura had to leave. The good news is that Carolyn joined us that day! I found an amazing store called Paris Market, or something like that, but they did this thing were a few times a week they had a "Writer in the Window." A writer would literally sit at a desk and write. People could leave ideas on a little blackboard. So cute! That store was incredible. I loved it. Then we met up with some of our guy friends. We split into two groups for dinner, and my group (all girls) went to Vinnie van GoGo's. Seriously, I think that was some of the best pizza I've ever had. It was such a fun day. I would love to go back to Savannah and explore some more!

Savannah

On Wednesday, it was rainy back on HHI, so we watched a a movie and took naps and read books. It was nice. Then we headed to Michaels' for crafting supplies (this week at school, we have initiation for Tri Delt, so we were making gifts for our littles) and crafted the night away while watching another movie!

On Thursday, it was rainy again, so we hung around for a while. We went to a movie, The Adjustment Bureau (it was very good. I recommend it), and then we grabbed dinner at a place called Amigo's. DELICIOUS! We did more crafting that night and watched The Young Victoria (one of my favorite movies!).  On Friday morning, we woke up, and most of us packed up and we hit the road.

Morning in Hilton Head

It was such a fantastic week. It was so relaxing and fun and I have so many great memories from it! I learned a lot, God taught me a lot of things, and I just had a great time. I'm refreshed and ready to face the end of the semester.

Till next time...

*Japan is still heavy on my heart. Please be keeping that country in your thoughts and prayers.

Lord, I Need You

One morning over the break, I was reading James 5, the warning to rich oppressors. Verse 4-5 says, "The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence..." I had a dream, sort of, of people I know crying out with anguish written all over their faces, "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me?" I don't even know how to handle that. How do I live with that knowledge? I want to share my faith, I want to live it. I know actions prove my faith, but I don't want to hesitate to "share my faith" (I've grown to dislike that term. How dare I think I can choose to whom I "share" my faith? Its not mine to share, it is the Lord's. It is more giving away my faith). I want to learn how to display God's glory and salvation through both my words and actions.

Seeing the news coverage on Japan today, my heart breaks. I saw a little boy being carried out of the rubble, and I just wanted to hold him. Hearing about families who are broken apart, some swept into the sea, I want to run to them and be with them and show them the hope that is Jesus. Not that He makes life easy or our kind of "perfect," but that He is there, and His heart breaks, and He loves us more than we can know, and He is all we can run to.

Its hard, too, to see a friend struggle to know how to be good, when this friend doesn't know Jesus. This friend reaches out and loves in ways that blow me away and set an example for me. Yet this friend doesn't know the real reason for these things, doesn't know the freedom that is in Jesus, doesn't know what it means to do those things not because its "good" but because Jesus loves us and we must pour that back out. If this friend knew that, I can't even imagine what their life would look like.

I know such love from the Lord. I know what it means to have Him when I have nothing else, when I don't understand, when I wonder and doubt and worry and fear and rejoice. And I want to run to these people who don't know that - it breaks my heart that people don't know that - and I want to tell them and show them.

I don't know what to do with this. I pray that the Lord would teach me how to live like this my last few months of school. This summer, I will (hopefully) have a tangible way of doing so back in Hungary. But I don't want to live like that just when I'm specifically "doing missions." I want it to be an inextricable part of me. I pray that I would fix my thoughts on Jesus (Hebrews 3:1) and that I would live out Matthew 28:19-20. Lord, teach me to love as You do; give me Your eyes and Your ears and Your heart.

*I promise I will do a Spring Break post soon. It was seriously one of the best weeks of my life. I will post pictures and stories very soon!

Every Minute

There's a song I love that says, "I wish all the people I loved the most would gather in one place and know each other and love each other well. And I wish we would all go camping and lay beneath the stars with nothing to do and stories to tell. We'd sit around the campfire and we'd make each other laugh, remembering when..."

That is exactly how I feel right now. I'm here on Hilton Head Island with 7 of my best friends. I love it. Literally as I type everyone is dying out laughing at a story Kristen told, all joking and laughing and having fun. Its so relaxing and so wonderful. I love it. Part of me wishes my family and Liz and everyone else I love was here (all the people I love the most would gather in one place and know each other and love each other well), but at the same time I'm so thankful for the group that is here. It has been seriously so relaxing and fun and wonderful, and its only the second day! I can't say enough about this trip. Wonder Week 11 has truly been amazing!

Ok, I want to get back to my friends. But I wanted to give a quick update.

Yet I Will Praise

All I can say this morning is that God is good. No matter the circumstance, God is worthy of praise.

This has been a week, a semester really,  of ups and downs and everything in between. On Friday, I heard news about a family friend's son who passed away unexpectedly and tragically. I also heard news on Friday that I was accepted into the study away program I wanted to attend (I had already made a deposit for another trip). After a few days of struggling and talking and yes, crying, the study away office approved my switch to the other trip (In high school, I had a very similar situation with picking colleges; I don't know what God wants to teach me in this, but apparently I haven't learned the lesson yet! All I know is that I am holding tightly to Luke 18:1-8 and searching my heart to make sure my conscious is clean). I submit my ICP today, meaning I'll know in two weeks whether my hard work to create a cultural anthropology major will be approved! Even if it isn't, the process has taught me I lot. I don't know what I'll major in if it isn't approved, but hey, I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. I'm still waiting on news for this summer, mostly from the Hungarian side of it, but I should know more on Monday or Tuesday. I'm trying to figure out living situations for next spring.

But in all of this, I'm just praising God. Yes, it is overwhleming, and I have definitely broken down a few times because of stress (me trying to rely on myself again and not rest in God's plan), but in everything, I just have to come back to the Lord. He is so powerful and reliable and praiseworthy even when the unexpected happens.

And to make myself smile even more, here is a picture of the city I will be living in next fall (ahhh!!!!):

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM!!!!!!!!!!!

(Photo courtesy of Robin)