Understood

An integral part of people, or at least me, is a desire to be seen, to be known, to be understood. I think that, to me, means more than anything - being understood. There is something about having that communion with someone, being completely understood, relishing that moment of sweet connectedness and communication. That moment when I am truly known, when I am truly seen.

A lot of times in this struggle called Christianity, I think I am alone. So much of following the Lord involves inner struggle, and trying to explain only does so much. I can use all the words in the dictionary and still not have that moment of understood with someone. But I was thinking today and I realized that what I have said before is true: The wrestling of Christianity is when God is most evidently shaping me to be like Him. Which means that those times of wrestling, those moments of struggle, are the times when I am also intimately understood by Him. After all, He sees my old self in all of her depravity, her selfishness, her pride, her woundedness, her defensiveness. Yet He also sees the new self He is creating in me. He sees and more than that, He understands the conquering that He must do in me. Not only does He see and understand, but He rejoices in that. I just picture God working on me, grinning and laughing with pure joy over what He is doing, that I am His. He sees, and He understands, and that moment of sweet relief, of connection, of communion is more than present, because He is there too.

So yes, following Jesus is difficult. But I am never alone. And even more than that, I am understood.

Choices

So much of what we do and who we are revolves around our choices. I subconsciously make choices in every minute. I choose my attitude, my actions, my words, even my thoughts. I choose my reactions, my emotions.

I can choose to walk satisfied in the Lord, or I can choose sin.

I can choose to find my worth in Jesus, or I can choose to look for it in others and  myself.

I can choose to live with joy, or I can choose to wallow in my own self-pity.

I want to live like a sponge, soaking up water and goodness from the source and then wringing myself out to benefit others. Its easy to get caught up in my stuff, in the stuff around me, but its better to choose Jesus. All these things that I have to give up -  these filthy, dirty, scraps of nothing - are so little in comparison to what I gain from knowing Jesus. I am little, but He is everything. And that is what I choose to walk in.

Tug of War

I was reading in Philippians the other day, and I was struck with this thought: For unity to exist, I must be humble. That is hard. Humility is hard - not in the sense of our accomplishments, but in the sense of our general lifestyle. To be humble means to sacrifice my own desires. My own wants, my own needs, my own issues, my own self. That is hard!

I know I have been writing on this theme a lot lately. This is difficult stuff. Its hard to wrap my mind around, and its even harder to put into action. It involves finding my identity and my worth in nothing but Jesus. That is a truth that I still haven't fully grasped, which leads me to seek my worth in others, which leaves me empty, alone, and hurt and drives me back to the Cross, where my only worth is found.

Lately I feel like my old self has been rearing its ugly head, wanting my way in my timing, everything neatly how I want it. I have been wrapped in this bubble of me. And that is just yucky - it feels yucky, it looks yucky, it just is yucky. That is not me anymore. I am not that person. Constantly dying - forcing my old self to death - is a hard battle. Its hard to surrender, to recognize the truth. I feel it in my soul, this tug back and forth. What I want versus what I know to be true. Who I was versus who I am now. What I think versus what God continually reminds me. Its hard. I fail. I fail so many times. It isn't fun. Yet God reminds me that this is part of the redemption process. This tug and pull is part of being made new. It stinks, but I also know that it means I am not who I once was. I am not that girl anymore. This wrestling means that God is at work in me.

I used to think that when I couldn't "feel" God's presence, then something was wrong. I wasn't doing something right if I couldn't feel Him near. But now I know better. Those times when I don't feel God are often the times He is working most. Those times when I am most battling with my old self are the times when God is hardest at work in me, molding me to be like Him.

In my last post, I mentioned what we like to think about Christianity. We like to think its easy, that everything is better once we follow Jesus. That could not be more of a lie. My life is harder now than it ever was before. I've been following Jesus for almost eleven years, and if anything I see my need for Him more than ever before. Its hard to follow God. There is nothing that makes it easier, but knowing Him, knowing who He is, loving and being loved by Him - that makes it all worth it.

To Follow

I feel like I write the same thing a lot. But mostly its because God has to remind me of these things over and over again. And I also just want others to know the freedom that is in Jesus.

Satan has used the struggles of the Church to create an image of the church for non-Believers. The things that we as the Body struggle with - sacrifice, suffering, choosing to follow Jesus over ourselves, how to relate the American ideals of health, wealth, and prosperity with the Bible - are apparent. Often we make ways to relate these unrelated things, such as promising ourselves that if we do good then we will be rewarded with the things we want on earth, with an easy life, etc. We create this ideal, and that is what the world sees, and even more, it is often what we as Believers see and think is right.

We have built up this image of what it means to follow to Jesus, and it involves following the rules, praying all the time, reading the Bible every minute, being a good person, etc. We have entrapped ourselves in this completely fake and created path. Good Christians don't struggle with their faith. Good Christians don't doubt. Good Christians don't question God. Good Christians don't fight to find the Truth because they should already know it and it should be simple - follow God. Those are lies  - that is not what it means to follow Jesus.

Following Jesus is hard. I read in Philippians yesterday where it says, "For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on Him, but also to suffer for Him." Suffering is an integral part of the faith. To me, suffering here means the struggle to follow Jesus. It is the struggle to give up my independence, my wants and desires and supposed needs, my pride and selfishness, and "choose what is better." It is the struggle to follow Him in all things. For some, this means verbal and physical persecution. That is a very real aspect of faith that occurs all over the world, in some places more than other. It is easy for me to say that that part of faith is an honor, because I have not experienced it, but the Bible is very clear that suffering persecution for the sake of Jesus is honorable and reveals God's glory.

In my own life, the "persecution" I face for Jesus is more from myself and Satan. It is the constant internal battle. It is choosing to follow Jesus is every moment, it is turning my back on myself and letting me die over and over again. It is choosing what is better. Our real is our real, and God has us where we are because that is where His glory will be most revealed through us.

Living "the Christian life" is far more complicated and far more simple than we like to think. It is difficult. I constantly wrestle with God as Jacob did - I struggle to follow Him, His will, discern what He wants from me, and figure out how He wants it. I drown in my self, thrusting out my hand, gasping for Jesus to save me. And He reaches out His hand and holds me close and reminds me of the truth. I truly believe that my life is most beautiful to God in this messy, wrestling, fighting, relenting faith. He loves for me to wrestle with Him, with following Him, because that is Him working in me and molding me to become more like Him.

It is hard. It hurts. It is tiring. It requires sacrifice. It requires denying myself. It requires coming to terms with very difficult ideas - those of my culture and those of my God. It requires constant reminding from God. But those moments show that I am being made new. My faith is not easy. But that is the point - I cannot do it, but He does it through and in me. And in that lies my freedom.

Peace Out!

I am currently on the road to Colorado! Indeed, for spring break (or Wonder Week, as we like to call it), a bunch of my friends and I are road-tripping out to the great state of Colorado! To say I am excited is an understatement.

Seven friends. Seven states. America, here we come!

Freedom, Identity, Worth, Life

A lot of the things I've been learning have been building on each other, which is very cool. Basically, I've had "Greater love has no man than this: that he lay down his life for his friends," running through my mind pretty constantly. That tied with the idea that I am who Jesus says I am has made for some amazing realizations. When Tim talked at RUF last week, a lot of what he said coincided perfectly with these thoughts, so some of this is from my notes.

Because I am who Jesus says I am, I can live not for myself. I don't need to defend myself, to protect my feelings, to be concerned over how people will regard who I am, etc. I don't need to allow my feelings to be hurt because, although I will be hurt, I am who Jesus says I am, and that makes me more than anything I can feel. My needs are fulfilled in Jesus. I have no need to try to save myself in any sense of that concept because He has done it, He has fulfilled me, and He has determined who I am. I am freed from any sense of status, how others view me, because of this.

Jesus has based my worth solely in Himself. That is worth repeating: Jesus has based my worth solely in Himself. I am found in Him, so I am complete. My life, lived by me, is over - my worth is found. As a result, God lives through me to show Himself to others. He has deemed me so precious that He called me to follow the example of His son, and then He through me - the least of these, the worst of sinners - changes the world. I am nothing; He is everything. I will hide myself in Jesus, because He is my source, my satisfaction, my worth, and out of that He plays the gospel out in my life. I no longer live but Christ Jesus lives in me.