Tug of War

I was reading in Philippians the other day, and I was struck with this thought: For unity to exist, I must be humble. That is hard. Humility is hard - not in the sense of our accomplishments, but in the sense of our general lifestyle. To be humble means to sacrifice my own desires. My own wants, my own needs, my own issues, my own self. That is hard!

I know I have been writing on this theme a lot lately. This is difficult stuff. Its hard to wrap my mind around, and its even harder to put into action. It involves finding my identity and my worth in nothing but Jesus. That is a truth that I still haven't fully grasped, which leads me to seek my worth in others, which leaves me empty, alone, and hurt and drives me back to the Cross, where my only worth is found.

Lately I feel like my old self has been rearing its ugly head, wanting my way in my timing, everything neatly how I want it. I have been wrapped in this bubble of me. And that is just yucky - it feels yucky, it looks yucky, it just is yucky. That is not me anymore. I am not that person. Constantly dying - forcing my old self to death - is a hard battle. Its hard to surrender, to recognize the truth. I feel it in my soul, this tug back and forth. What I want versus what I know to be true. Who I was versus who I am now. What I think versus what God continually reminds me. Its hard. I fail. I fail so many times. It isn't fun. Yet God reminds me that this is part of the redemption process. This tug and pull is part of being made new. It stinks, but I also know that it means I am not who I once was. I am not that girl anymore. This wrestling means that God is at work in me.

I used to think that when I couldn't "feel" God's presence, then something was wrong. I wasn't doing something right if I couldn't feel Him near. But now I know better. Those times when I don't feel God are often the times He is working most. Those times when I am most battling with my old self are the times when God is hardest at work in me, molding me to be like Him.

In my last post, I mentioned what we like to think about Christianity. We like to think its easy, that everything is better once we follow Jesus. That could not be more of a lie. My life is harder now than it ever was before. I've been following Jesus for almost eleven years, and if anything I see my need for Him more than ever before. Its hard to follow God. There is nothing that makes it easier, but knowing Him, knowing who He is, loving and being loved by Him - that makes it all worth it.