Life and Hope

Life is messy. I think I'm just beginning to realize how messy.

Currently, my life is still reeling from April 21, the day of Mama's accident. I'm still coping with all that happened, with all that went on over the summer, with being back at school, and with what the future looks like for my family. Plus I'm starting to try to make some decision about the future, which is crazy. But what is amazing to me is how pervasive the affects of April 21 are on me. There is not an area of my life that was not affected by it. I was sitting in church today thinking about how my relationship with the Lord has been impacted, and to be perfectly honest, not all of it feels good. I still feel sometimes like I was abandoned, like I walked alone, like I am still wandering in the wilderness, looking for something, anything, to give me some direction. I'm learning to rely on what I know to be true in an entirely new way. I was cleaning some drawers today, and I found a quote that rings truer to me now than when I first copied it down. "Even Jesus kept His scars after the resurrection. My stains are beautiful to Him, and as I become dirtier and more beat up, I am becoming perfect, transformed into the image of the One who made me. And I am thankful!" (Katie Davis, Kisses From Katie) The first time I read that, I'm sure I imagined becoming dirtier by serving the Lord, but now I see it as just living life.

Life is messy. Things happen, and they change you. Whether it is something like my summer in Hungary, that truly changed and shaped the way I view faith, my relationship with God, and missions, or a car accident that totally disrupts the direction of your life, life refuses to leave you alone. And sometimes it feels like I am sinking deeper and deeper into the mud. I cling to my lifeline in Jesus, and I keep wading through. The further I go, the more I realize that all I know is that Jesus is.


I've always pictured "hope" as one of those words like happiness, surrounded by daisies and light and butterflies. It has always seemed like one of those words you use when everything is bright and good and you have hope.

In fact, I am realizing that quite the opposite is true. Now hope means something deeper. Its a word for when all is dark and confusing and you aren't really sure what the next minute holds. It is a word for when despair clutches at the edges of your soul, when all you want is to give in, but instead you stand there and hold on with all you have. That is hope.

Hope means you know the odds. You know the chances. You know that everything is falling out of your grasp and that which is most feared is right at your fingertips and there is nothing you can do about it. Hope is recognizing all of those things but choosing to trust. Hope is choosing in that moment to say, "Thy will be done." Hope is clinging instead to what you know to be true - God's own glory, His salvation, His power, and His purpose. Hope is knowing that His plan may not be what you want but realizing that all you can do is trust Him.

Right now, my life is covered in dirt. I walk through the day battling different demons breathing down my neck - memories, what-ifs, worries. But even in those moments, I cling to hope, knowing that Jesus is, and that is enough. It is hard, harder than anything, but He refuses to let me go, and that is my assurance.

God's Kindness

"...God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance" (Romans 2:4).

I am seeing how constantly the Lord draws me back to Himself. He is truly patient. I think about this verse, and it moves me. How often God reveals to me how I have offended Him, yet He chooses to forgive that sin. I think about His discipline, which to me is His ultimate form of kindness. After all, God disciplines those He loves (Hebrews 12). God disciplines me so gently, so patiently. He loves me enough to work in my life, to transform me into someone new. What other god loves like this? 

So often I wrestle and fight, and as I have written before, I always feel God's delight in those moments. Even as they are so hard, and I hurt and I kick and I scream, those battles are my old self fighting against the new one, the one God has created out of the rubble of my life. And oh the beauty that exists there! I know that as God works in me, disciplines me, and allows me to have those struggles, He is triumphant. He is urging me on, encouraging me, molding me here and smoothing me there, laughing in victory. 

Right now, the Lord is soothing my soul. He is giving me rest, reminding me of Himself and of the truth to which I cling with all my strength. He is gently calling me to Himself, easing my spirit and gentling my heart. After this summer, my heart is worn a little around the edges, and God is reminding me of some things of which I desperately need to be reminded. 

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine! Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine! Heir of salvation, purchase of God, born of His Spirit, washed in His blood - this is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long! That is the truth I am holding onto, and of which God is reminding me.

Whether it is in those moments of fighting or in the gentle ministrations of His spirit, God shows me His kindness, and it leads me to repentance. He is restoring me bit by bit, and I am not the same as I once was. 

To Fight

God never intended following Him to be easy.

There is a reason Paul wrote, "I have fought the good fight." Too often I focus on the adjective "good" rather than the verb - a form of "fight". Following God is something that happens, its something we actively choose and do.

Essentially, everything about knowing the Lord is a battle. It is a constant battle to let go of myself, to relinquish my independence, to sacrifice my selfishness. It is a fight to choose thankfulness, to choose joy, to choose His glory. It is a fight to choose how God meant for me to live - not trying to glorify me but to reveal His glory, not taking on a role that I was never intended to have but surrendering to how God meant it to be. Fighting means making conscious choices, and it means being on my guard. Following God is hard, because it goes against everything my old self tells me to do. My old self fights against my new self to be in control. That is the "good fight," my new self battling my old sinful self. I feel that so keenly. I constantly want to choose my way, but I have to buck and kick and claw to chose His way.

It is hard. And it can be exhausting at the times when I don't "feel" a difference. And that's also a fight - choosing faith not emotion. All of this fighting, this resisting and grappling and overcoming and failing and striving and withstanding, is beautiful. I think that the beauty of knowing the Lord, of following Him, is in the battle. While it would be easy for God to just "fix" me in an instant, what is the purpose of that? It is because of the fight that not only do I truly understand my own sin and my desperate need for the Lord, but it is through the battle that God makes me new. I have this mental image of God's face when I'm fighting, when I'm wrestling for Him. I imagine His wide grin, His victorious laughter, His pride, and His encouragement. He has equipped me, and I imagine Him urging me on, delighting in my battles. Because fighting the good fight is what most reveals God's glory, and it is what most reveals His love for me.

Wilderness to Glory

You alone can satisfy.

So often I walk into a wilderness of my own making. The worst thing about this is that I know I am not heading where God is leading, I know that God wants something different for me, but I choose the wilderness. "I have bowed at the altar of this world and its lies." I choose sin. In light of that, 1 Timothy 1:15 is so clear - I am the worst of sinners. At least sinners who are not Believers don't know the truth. Yes, they choose death, but they don't know the life of Jesus, His sacrifice, His love. But I do know those things. I do know what Jesus has done for me. And even so, I deliberately choose sin, knowing exactly what I am doing. "I have wasted affections on the things You despise."

On Sunday, Pastor Kallam preached on the Samaritan woman at the well. I was so struck by how Jesus offered her living water. My pastor pointed out how Jesus knew the woman's disappointments, her fears, her inadequacies, and her struggles. He knew her sin, and Jesus showed her that she knew nothing else was filling her, nothing was lasting, nothing truly satisfied. Her dreams were constantly struck down. And Jesus acknowledged this, and she was forced to acknowledge that she knew it too. Because the empty things that I constantly try to fill myself with never satisfy. I am always left wanting more. Always.

And still I choose to try. I still choose to try to fulfill myself with things that lead me to the wilderness. And I wander and search and try and look, yet all the while I know the truth.

Even in this, I know that God isn't finished with me. While we were still sinners, Jesus died for us... If you confess your sins, He is faithful and just and will cleanse us from all unrighteousness. While my justification was instantaneous, my sanctification, my cleansing and being made new, is a life-long process. And that is comfort to me. Because I can honestly say, my old self that keeps popping her stubborn head back up can not of herself live for Jesus. Yet Jesus has won my heart, and He is inordinately patient. Thank God for that. And it's funny how He turns "stubbornness" to "perseverance".

When I lead myself into these wildernesses, God still uses them for my good. I am made aware of my need for Him. And even though it doesn't feel like, He forgives me. Then it becomes a matter of trusting Him promises, trusting what He has said, even when I don't feel like its true. Its walking forward step by step, walking where I know He wants me even though I don't feel certain. It is learning to trust that God is who He says He is, that He will uphold His promises. And that is beautiful. Hard, when I am full of doubt and uncertainty, but beautiful, as God stands firm and teaches me to trust Him anew.

At the beginning of the summer, Pastor Kallam discussed who we continually believe in Jesus, or as Mark describes it, "believe into Jesus." With everything in my life, I see anew who Jesus is and what He has done. I believe in Him more today than I did that day in June of 2001, and I know ten years from now I will believe in Him more than I do today as Jesus proves Himself, His faithfulness, time and time again. Because 1 Timothy 1:15 doesn't end with the fact that I am the worst of sinners. "Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His immense patience as an example for those who would believe in Him and receive eternal life." Only God could use my sin to reveal His glory!

Light Shining Out of Darkness

This morning I woke up with 2 Corinthians 4:8 running through my mind. I ended up reading all of chapter 4, and it rang so true to me today.

Yesterday, Mama had an appointment with her orthopedic surgeon. Her pelvis is healing very well, and today Mama started putting weight on her left foot! Yes, I said that right.  She put weight on her left foot today! In about three weeks, Mama can start rehab and really learning to walk again.

 The doctor did say that since Mama’s nerves haven’t healed to the point where she can hold her foot up on her own now, the chances of her drop-foot being permanent have greatly increased. I think he said there is only a 30% chance that she won’t have it. Basically that means that Mama will wear her orthotic all the time, which means no more high heels (and if you know Mama, you know that is all she wears!), among other things.

 We are not giving up hope, because the doctor does not have the last say on this. God does. And we know the power of prayer. So I am asking that you join us in storming the gates of Heaven, pleading with us for total restoration of Mama’s body. God can and may say no, and that is ok. But we also know that it is powerful for God’s people to pray together, and it is good for us whether we get the answer we want or not. Ultimately, the answer we want is God’s will. “For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ is Lord.”

Mama has made so much progress, she has overcome so much. While it is good for us to be logical and realistic about the chances of drop-foot going away, I also know that I serve a powerful God, and I am not ready to limit Him, in anything, not just in this. This is another opportunity for us to reveal God’s glory in how we are faithful to what He has called us to do. “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.”  And right now, what He has called us to do is to pray unceasingly, confidently, and boldly for complete healing for Mama, not just the drop-foot, but her entire body.

And “we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroy. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that His life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.”

 We are confident in who God is, in what He is doing. We have seen Him so completely in this process. Yes, there are unspeakably difficult moments, moments that you wouldn’t believe. But through it all, God has given us this unrelenting faith. He has held us unrelinquishingly (is that a word?).  “It is written: ‘I believed; therefore I have spoken.’ Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the One who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to Himself. All is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.” How humbling and exciting that is! This experience is for all of us, that we may further reveal God’s glory! Mama has committed to being honest about this journey, because she knows that it is not about her.  It isn’t about our family. It’s about who God is.

 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Please join us in praying for Mama's complete healing

Happy Father's Day

Undoubtedly, I have the greatest father in the world.

I've always known this. When I was born, Daddy always tells me about how he sang the Doxology the first time he held me. Next he created a song just for me - "Sara Beth Lives in a Tree House." Still a personal favorite of mine. :)

When Roecker was born, he was a colicky baby, and Daddy ended up taking me to work with him a lot. He would let me "type" away at a computer at the newspaper, and he took me to Tuscaloosa for football practices when he was the beat writer for Alabama. Because of Daddy, Gene Stallings gave me my first bag of Cheetos!  And Daddy encouraged my love for Alabama gymnastics. Many Friday nights, he would let me tag along to the meet, where I would sit with some of his friends and he would keep an eye on me from the press row on the floor. Sarah Patterson would send me a poster of all the gymnasts that they had autographed.

I may not have developed Daddy's love for sports, but we had many other things in common, particularly singing. Daddy and I would go to the grocery store together a lot, just the two of us. We'd listen to music on the way there, we'd do our shopping, and then I'd have my "grocery cart races" before getting into the car. I loved those times when it was just me and Daddy. He taught me so many things about life and God. Plus he and I are just similar enough that we think the same way about a lot of things, have the same thought processes. Sometimes its actually a little freaky.

As I got older, Daddy and I could talk about more mature things, particularly our faith. If Daddy reads something interesting, we sometimes have these long discussions about it. I love those. When I'm at school, Daddy will write me "long rambling missives," as he calls them, either via email or snail mail (those are the best!). I save every one because they are so precious to me. And Daddy is one of my favorite people to text, because he'll say the funniest and most encouraging things.

In the last eight weeks, I've seen Daddy in a new way. I've always admired him, how he loves Mama and our family, how he provides for us on so many levels. But in the last eight weeks, Daddy has taken on a role that he probably never imagined he would. He has been husband, father, friend, counselor, writer, media relations-guy, protector, encourager. I have come to appreciate him in such a different way. Sometimes I get frustrated when he doesn't do things the way I think they should (oops...), but more than anything I am overwhelmed by how Daddy trusts God first and foremost.

Daddy,  I'm so very thankful for you. Your quirky sense of humor, your sometimes corny jokes, your encouragement, all mean so much to me. I cherish our conversations about God and family and government and social issues and life. I'm thankful for most of the ways we are similar, because its nice to be able to share ideas with someone who understands in that special way. I'm so blessed to have you as my father. I truly thank God that He chose you to be my daddy. I love you very much.

Grace For This Reality

 I can truly say that I thank God for Mama's accident. I am so thankful for this time, as hard as it is, as much as I hate it. Oh, I don't always act that way. There are times I either stubbornly refuse to accept this as our reality, or I imagine it is all a dream or a cruel joke. There are days that I have to force myself to make this my new normal, to come to terms with this as our reality. I will admit that there are moments that I just don't want to deal with this, I don't want to do the things that Mama needs me to do. There are lots of times that I physically swallow down my protests, my grumblings, my disappointment, my frustration, sometimes even my anger that I have to deal with this. I know there are moments that Mama has seen those emotions in me, and I hate that, because it isn't really aimed towards her. Its just hard, as she knows more than any of us. But I hate to add to her difficult with my own issues.

But God has also given me so much grace. I have seen Him totally transform me in this process. In my last post, I talked about God's power. You want to hear about God's power? First of all, MAma survived this accident that should have killed her. She honestly should not be alive right now, not only from the impact but from her injuries. There are a number of injuries that individually should have taken her, not to mention all of them combined! Mama wasn't supposed to be home until the end of May/beginning of June. She came home May 12. I am the least medically oriented person in the world. I hate everything involving it. Anytime something goes wrong physically with someone in the family, I would go pray. Mama would say, "We're taking Roecker to the ER!"  and I'd run to my room to pray until she or Daddy called with the update. I can't deal with this kind of thing, its so uncomfortable for me. But since Mama's accident, God has amazingly enabled me to do anything that I need to do. All those things that usually I run from, God has empowered me to do, and not only do them, but do them without a second thought. I did reach my limit with Mama's stomach wound, and thankfully God provided a dear family friend who stepped up to take care of that.

God has surrounded us with so many people who love us and care for us and provide for us. From taking care of our yard to cleaning our house to providing meals to sitting with Mama while I am at work, the list is endless of the support God has implemented.

And God has given my family so much grace to handle this together. Most of the time, we sit and laugh and joke, even as Mama is in her hospital bed. God has given Daddy and I, in particular, perspectives that allow us to do what we need to do and not think much of it. Most of the time, God pushes me beyond myself. Truly, the power of God in my life is the peace that passes all understanding. That has overwhelmed me. While those moments of frustration happen, honestly, they pale in comparison to the times when God overwhelms my own selfish response with His grace, peace, and love. That display of power - His consuming my response and replacing it with His won - is the one I continually marvel at.

And I want to continue in that, I want to dwell in that. I want to choose His power as I care for Mama. That is what God has done, and is doing, in us. His power is displayed so evidently in our lives right now. Mama sees it in a very real way. I witness it in every moment. This is the power of God, the grace that He gives us.

So I do thank Him for this. I thank Him for the things He is teaching me, and us, as a result of this. I thank Him for reminders of His love and compassion. I thank Him for not relenting, for not making this easy. Because its worth it. No matter what, following Him is worth it. And because of that, because of who God is and what He has done, I can thank Him, even for this.

Power

For the past two weeks, I have been thinking a lot about the power of God. I've had some really interesting conversations with a number of people about this topic.

I tend to emphasize God's redemptive power in my life, perhaps because that is the most tangible and expressionable for me. I so clearly see how God is shaping me and making me new. There is no doubt that He has saved me and is currently making me new, transforming me to be like Himself. Nearly everything I experience points me back to that. Thankfully God has opened my eyes to how He is actively working and displaying His power in myself, in my sanctification.

In all of that, I sometimes forget about Jesus' power when He was on earth. It is truly amazing to read what Jesus did to show Himself to people on earth. Jesus gave sight to the blind, healed the sick, raised the dead. Some of the most powerful moments happen in just a few sentences: "On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. SHe was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, He called her forward and said to her, "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity." Then He put His hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God" (Luke 13:10-13). Can you imagine? This woman was bent over for 18 years - 18 years - until Jesus saw her, put His hands on her, and raised her up. That is ridiculous and incredible and amazing.

I also forget about God's works before Jesus came to earth. God's gracious and mind-blowing covenant with His people, the parting of the Red Sea, and the endless examples of His provision for His people are just some of my favorite examples. This doesn't even get to God's work through the judges, through the kings (both good and bad), and the prophets. Every page of the Bible is ful of examples of God's power, either displayed physically or through His love.

All of these things seem so fantastic and almost unbelievable. I think that is why its so much easier for me to focus on God's power in His work in my life. Yet these stories describe the God that I say I believe. And I believe that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is unchangeable, and so that powerful, awe-inspiring God of the Bible is the same one I serve today.

I can tell you "Bible" kinds of stories of God's power in my own life. I have seen God do the impossible. The easiest to explain occurred on mission trips and in Hungary last summer. I have story after story of my time in Hungary when God did the impossible, from silencing the birds to having a conversation with a girl that I had given up being able to talk with. But I have also experienced God's power outside of these intentionally missional environments. I have had God provide monetarily for me time and time again. My senior year of high school, after Thanksgiving, I only had about $30. That Sunday, the Lord urged me to give $20 as an offering. "Lord, You know I need gas, and I need to buy Christmas presents, and I don't have much money, and I don't have any babysitting jobs lined up," I prayed. "But I an going to trust You in this. You are going to have to come through here." I wrote that check and just waited. A week or two later, I randomly received a check in the mail for $200 from my uncle, because he thought maybe I could use a little extra. Little did he know that he was the tool God used to work so powerfully in my life! Some may see that as a coincidence, but because God knows me so integrally and intimately, He knows how He displayed His power to me in that instance.

I think those stories are harder to tell, because they are easy for people to write off as coincidence. Yet personally, deep in my heart, I know the truth. And I also believe that we as Believers, who say we believe in this God of the Bible, have to trust in that power. I have to trust that God is who He says He is, that He will work just as powerfully today as He did before. I can walk in faith and ask for the impossible because I know the God I serve. I know that He is the God of the impossible. I know that more than anything else I want His will, and that enables me to do what might seem unreasonable.

I want to live trusting in God, in His power. I want to ask and watch how God displays His power today, through provision and love and miraculous works just as He has done in the past. Because I have seen Him do it in my life up till now, and I know that He will continue to do so. I want to live freely, trusting in the God I say that I believe.

Choosing the Gospel

I needed to take a step back and examine my response in light of the Gospel. This whole circumstance with Mama is complicated - more complicated for me than I can adequately express. So I needed to check myself in light of who I know I am in Jesus, and where I know that He has me.

I like to be in control. I have this incredibly huge sense of responsibility, and often that plays out with me taking control. Because after all, if I am responsible, I know it will get done how I want it, and even if it doesn't end up how I want it, I will have been there through the process so I at least know what's going on. God designed me with this understanding of responsibility, but my old sin nature twisted God's design to be something it wasn't intended to be. And I must confess, that is what I am wrestling with right now.

For the past two weeks, a large part of Mama's care has been in my willing hands. Taking care of Mama isn't something that I am forced to do - yes, its helpful that I am here to do it, but I choose this. And it has truly been an honor and a privilege to be here for Mama. It isn't another "responsibility" to me. There is truly nowhere else I would rather be. I mean that in a way that I can't describe, you will just have to trust that those words ring true deep in my soul. When I say that Mama is my best friend, I don't mean that casually. When I am home, pretty much everything I do involves Mama. We go out to dinner at "our" restaurants, we watch "our" shows, I visit her at work -  even random errands are done together. I have always had the hardest time leaving her and my family, even in high school. I would go through these massive debates in my mind over what to do on Friday night: yes, I will have fun with my friends, but I would also have fun with Mama. Ridiculous, but I'm being honest here. So being here with Mama at this time is just natural. A lot of people have asked if I want to "get out" - and I understand their meaning, and I do need to - but in the last three years, anytime I have been home, "getting out" has almost always involved my mom and doing something with her. So it's always bittersweet when I leave the house for extended periods of time.

But there is another reason that I don't leave Mama. And that goes back to me liking to be in control. If I am there, even though I can't stop her pain, I can do things to ease it, and at least I am there knowing it's happening. If I am with Mama, I can do anything she needs, be it fix food, help her roll over, help her move to the wheelchair, etc. If I am there, I know when the nurse and physical therapist come, and I know what they say, and I know how best to help. If I am there, I know what's going on, and even if it's not good, at least I have firsthand knowledge of what happened. Knowledge is power, and power is control. What a sick twisted presumptuous perspective.

Sunday in church, Pastor Kallam presented the Gospel. As I sat there before taking the Lord's supper, I realized that the Gospel is what allows me to relinquish my sense of control, my sense of responsibility. It's because of the Gospel that I can let go, I can trust others for Mama's care - heck, I can  trust Mama for her care. It's because of the Gospel that I can leave, and I can leave confidently. Yes, something might happen while I am gone - Mama could get behind on medicine, or she could want something, or any number of things - but it's because of the Gospel that my confidence isn't in myself but in the Lord. He is who I trust in all things, first and foremost. He is who I run to, who I cling to. He is my shelter, my calm, my peace. And my old self keeps rising up to steal that from me, to cloud my vision with ideas of control and responsibility. But I know the truth, and the truth sets me free.

God is just, and as my judge, He requires certain things. I do have a certain responsibility. But God is my justifier. Jesus took my debt and paid the price. He took on my responsibilities and as a result He bears the scars. There is no need for me to constantly scar myself with my own need for control. God doesn't require any more from me. I have no more responsibilities in His eyes. He has done it, and He will do it. He will not let go of me. All I can do is love Him. And therein lies my freedom - freedom from sin, freedom from control, freedom from responsibility.

In my life, this doesn't mean that I will be leaving Mama's side much more than I already am. But when I do leave, whether it's to go run errands or see a friend or even make Mama a smoothie in the kitchen, I can leave confidently. I am going to choose not to worry, not to control, not to make Mama's life  my responsibility. Instead, I choose peace, confidence, and freedom. And I choose those things because of the Gospel and because of who I am in Jesus.

Mother's Day

One month ago, I was in Charleston with my family, celebrating my brother’s Recognition Day at The Citadel. We had such a great time, laughing and joking and enjoying each other.

Three weeks ago, I got a phone call from my dad telling me that there had been an accident. My mom was hit by a drunk driver and was rushed to the emergency room for immediate surgery, which saved her life. She should not be alive, based on her car and the extent of her injuries.  That phone call is the one I always dreaded but never actually expected to get. Thank God she was alive, even though her injuries were extensive and she was in critical condition.

My mom and I have always been close. Ever since I was a little girl, Mama has been my adviser, helper, leader, guide, confidante, fellow female in the household, and best friend. I have always told her everything, and as I grew up, we developed a relationship that I cherish. We discuss life, friends, situations, our faith and what God is teaching us, our family, our hopes and dreams for the futures. Sure, it isn’t all fun and laughter and perfection - we’ve had our share of disagreements and rough moments. But I have been blessed in that God chose Mary Grace to be my mother. He knew what each of us needed, and so He gave us each other.

After the accident, Mama was in the ICU for about two and a half weeks. The first few days of that Mama was chemically paralyzed, and for the next week she was heavily sedated and out of it. I had to return to school during that time and take my final exams. Of course, all my thoughts were not on my studies but back in that ICU room with my mom.


Yesterday Mama came home! After three weeks in the hospital, Mama made the move home, and tonight we are all gathered in her room, talking and laughing and watching the baseball game. My grandfather and aunt are here, and it has been a good day. The kind of day she and I both love, when we are all together as a family. 

Now it's Mother’s Day, my 22^nd Mother’s Day. When I imagined Mother’s Day 2012, I can’t say that I imagined spending it quite this way, gathered around my mom’s bedside. Yet I rejoice at this day, I rejoice at where we are, because I almost lost her. I almost lost my Mama, my confidante, my guide, my best friend. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do without her, and I am thankful beyond measure because I know that this post could easily have gone the other way. I cannot repeat that enough – I know how blessed I am to still have my mom with me. And I do not take that for granted.

When I look at my mom now, I still sometimes get frustrated (especially when she’s hurting and I can’t do anything to ease her pain). I do long for our life as it was before, but at the same time, I am so thankful for this battle that we are in the midst of. Together, my family is learning what it means to know that the Lord is with us. Yea though we walk through the valley of death, we will fear no evil, because He is with us, and He has led us here, and He will see us through. We are learning in a new way to rely on Him and to rely on each other. We are learning to love each other tightly and hold on to every moment and tuck them away in our hearts.

While I know in the future, there will be times when I roll my eyes at Mama, or I think she is ridiculous, or I will be frustrated with her, I also know that I will not take for granted who she is and what she is to me. There was a time when I thought I would lose her, when we couldn’t talk, when I watched for every breath and listened for every heartbeat, and because of that, my perspective has radically changed.

Mama, I love you more than words can say. I’m so thankful for you, for what God is doing in both of us, and for how He us using this circumstance for His purpose and His glory. I’m so thankful that even though there are hard moments, we know to whom we belong. I am thankful that we can remind and encourage each other to cling to the truth and trust in the One who set  us in this family. Thank you for being who you are, for loving the Lord, and for seeking Him above all else. He has used you so much in my life, and there are not enough words to say how grateful I am for you. I love you.

My family and I, we are confident in the Lord, in the God we serve, and we are confident in what He is doing in each of us. And we stand together and say, “Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him and He saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in Him; let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation.”

"I Trust the God You Serve"

Mama is doing so well. She is moved out of the real ICU and into her own room on the other end of the floor. We're learning a little more self-sufficiency and how to keep track of pain and medication. For the most part, it was a good day, a learning day.

Last night, Mama was a little confused from the medication and being woken up in the middle of the night and a bunch of other things. We talked through it and I reminded her of some things we had talked about earlier. As I went back to my couch-bed, Mama said, "We can do this. I love you, and I trust the God you serve."

That phrase has stuck with me ever since. "I trust the God you serve." And I trust Him too, even as I serve Him. I have been turning back to Isaiah 25. Starting in verse 7, it says, "On this mountain, He will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; He will remove the disgrace of His people from all the earth. The Lord has spoken. In that day they will say, 'Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him, and He saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in Him; let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation.'" That is what I keep coming back to, in this, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

We serve such a gracious, faithful, and sovereign Lord. To see Him at work in me, in Mama, in Daddy, in my brothers, in our extended family, in our community - it is truly amazing. For that alone, I can praise Him. But in the midst of all this hard, I am learning to trust Him in a different way, in a way that cries out to Him even as tears fall down my face and say, "My hope is in You. Your joy is my strength." And even though that moment is so hard, so full of heartbreak and sorrow, it is incredibly beautiful. Every time I drive home from the hospital, tears fall down my face in sorrow and frustration, yet I keep coming back to this. The Lord is my hope. He is my strength. He is my song even in the midst of struggle. His faithfulness is great beyond measure. And so with confidence, I already say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him, and He saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in Him; let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation."

Hard Steps Forward

I didn't even realize how right I was when I told Daddy, "Every step forward will be full of hard."

This post isn't really about Mama. It's more about me and my thoughts on God and freedom and surrender. But in case you are wondering, Mama is doing so well. She is off the ventilator and talking. Mama is pretty disoriented and out of it, in part from the drugs and in part from being in the ICU with no way to mark day or night. But she is doing beautifully, and we are making so much progress.

Yet it is hard, in a new way, to see her like this. It's hard for her to be so disoriented. It's a twisted kind of funny, and thank God He allows us to laugh at it. Mama is in pain, and she doesn't exactly know what is going on. But its still good to talk with her and laugh with her and have times like last night where our family just did what our family does - talked and joked and laughed. And I rejoice in each step forward and look forward to the day when the "happy ending" that Daddy mentioned comes about.

Each movement of progress teaches me in a new way to rely on the Lord. At church this morning, the sermon was on Jeremiah 2 and "broken cisterns." I loved the sermon, and it was very applicable to what I usually post about - if all this wasn't going on, I would probably take the time to write out all my thoughts about it! But it applies to this situation, so I thought I would share anyway.

The passage talked about how Israel has turned from the Lord, broken their covenant with Him. In verse 13, its says, "My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." I love that because it implies an attitude of independence that Israel had towards the Lord. Instead of relying on Him, they chose to do for themselves - find ways to protect and save themselves through building their own cisterns instead of turning towards the spring of living water.

So often I live in that place where I chose to dig myself a broken cistern. So often I want to prove that I am capable, I am strong enough, I am independent and self-reliant. So I keep on, striving to do, striving to be, and then I come to that place where I realize that in fact, all that I am doing is spinning in circles, wearing myself out for something that is completely and utterly broken, spilling out all that I am trying to do as fast as I am doing it.

And so today, with each step forward that is so hard, I am learning to run to the spring of living water. Because nothing else satisfies, nothing else comforts, nothing else is capable of bearing me through. It such a sweet experience, so just trust and move in those steps forward praying and surrendering. Because that is my freedom - to surrender and turn this hard over to the One who is both capable and willing to carry it for me.

Another Joshua Stone

It really is the little things that I take for granted.

I'm sitting here in Mama's unit watching her sleep. And by sleep, I mean actually sleep. She isn't sedated, she isn't in the chemical paralysis, she is soundly and visibly sleeping. It brings peace to my soul.

I have noticed this, the little things that I don't usually pay attention to. Turning at a red light, I am much more cautious than ever before, particularly in the morning. Walking through the house, I suddenly see things in a new way, in light of how Mama will perceive them when she gets home. Even more, sitting in the hospital with her, I listen and watch and do things in a new way, with new ears and eyes and movements, aware of what they all mean for her in the "reality" that she is in.

It is hard. Today she was so restless for so much of the day, and this afternoon she was in a lot of pain. I think that is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, sit beside her and hide my tears and stroke her hand while she was crying these breathless sobs of pain. But even as she is in pain, I know it's good, because it means we are closer to her getting off the ventilator, into her own room, back into her house, home with her family where she belongs. Home. Man, I cannot wait for that day.

There are so many things that right now I'm promising myself I will never again take for granted, even though I know I will. I know I won't always remember or the feel the things I am now. But at the same time, there will be more moments that I don't take for granted because of this. I have such a greater appreciation for our conversations, for our inside jokes. I'm so thankful that she is my best friend, because there are so many stories I can't wait to tell her about this circumstance that I already know how she will react to. So many things have happened where I can literally hear her voice in my head responding, and I am so thankful for that. I laugh at some many things because I hear what she would be saying about it (oh boy, I'm hearing voices in my head....this may not seem as good as it actually is. Which could be even more of a sign that I am going crazy!). Those are the moments that are life's gifts, in many ways, and I hope I  - we - look at them differently after this. I hope we clutch them tightly to us, savor them, and tuck them away in our hearts. Like I said, I know I will still take things for granted and I know that I will get frustrated and I know that the road ahead will be so hard. But I also hope - and know - that I will remember this, and maybe not take it so much for granted in the future.

I don't know. These are just my rambling thoughts. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes any sense, I just know that it feels good to have them down, to know that in a little while Mama will read these and know exactly what I was thinking about. And I know she'll understand these posts and know what I actually mean, because she's my mom and my best friend. This is all really for her, and for me, for my sanity. As Daddy says, its all self-indulgent. And Mama always says that she wishes she could be a fly on the wall of my life (which is weird, and I always tell her it's weird, but she says it's a mom thing, which I believe - although I do live a pretty great life haha), so this is her glimpse into my life at her bedside.

Current Thoughts from the Bedside

I walked into Mama's unit yesterday, suited up, grabbed her hand and said, "Hi, Mama!" All of a sudden she opened her eyes and smiled real big at me. It was perfect, exactly what I had been waiting for.

Mama is truly my best friend. We've always been that way. Every time I come home from school, she has this special smile that just tells me she loves me, she's glad I'm home, and that she's glad she's my mom. I don't know how a smile says all of that, but it does. Every time I walked into her little unit yesterday and said hello, she gave me that smile. I cannot tell you what it meant for my heart to see it.

Mama was pretty agitated yesterday, wanting those tubes out of her. They sedated her last night, so she's pretty calm today from that wearing out. They aren't giving her more sedation for a while, so she should be more responsive later today.

I'm just so thankful to be home. Its hard to see her like this still, but that smile makes everything worth it. There is no better feeling than the one I get when she smiles at me.

As we wait, I have hope. I'm confident in where we are, in the doctors, in the hospital, in our friends and family.      I am waiting expectantly.  The only words that describe it are from the hold hymn. "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow - blessings all mine, and ten thousand beside! Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!"

Waiting Confidently

When I read Daddy's blog post from today, I had already started working on the one I am now posting. Sorry that there is a little overlap, but apparently it was on both of our hearts!

Today, for some reason, I have just wanted to talk to Mama. So many times today, I've picked up my phone, found her name in my contacts, and been ready to click "call" before I remember. She is the one I go to in everything - she's my best friend. And today, it has just been hard that I can't talk to her. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that she is still alive and I will be able to talk to her next week, and soon she will be able to talk back. Trust me, I am so aware that it could easily be the other way. But as Mama always says, my real is my real. Right now, my real is that I just want to talk to her and I can't. Today it has been really easy for me to feel sorry for myself, for Mama, for my family.

But God is not letting me rest in that, thank goodness. I have so much to be thankful for, and that sense of gratitude is never far from me. Every time I start feeling down or sorry for myself, God leads me to this place of comfort and content. I mentioned before, I have surrendered her to Him, and He keeps reminding me of that. My hope is in Him, and His joy is my strength. That was one of my favorite parts of Psalm 68, when it says, "He is the one who gives power and strength to His people." Even as He comforts and strengthens me, I still want to talk to my mom, but I also rest in the fact that God has prepared me for where He has me, and He will never leave me nor forsake me.

There is nothing wrong in being uncertain, or sad, or "melancholy" (that one's for you, Katie), or whatever it is that I'm feeling. I realize that. But I am also choosing not to wallow in it, and to choose joy instead. I love what Daddy said, "When you wait on God, no time is lost." And that is where we are, this period of waiting. And waiting is hard, it really is. These next months will be full of waiting - waiting for the next step forward. It will be hard, a different kind of hard than we've ever known. But its worth it.  That I know with confidence. In the end, being where God designed for me to be, doing what He intended me to do, is the only place I want to be. It doesn't matter how hard it is, because it is always right to be there. Its always worth it. I believe what I wrote, that God is going to use this to spread His gospel and His glory. In that lies my confidence in all of this. No matter how much I wish I could call Mama on the phone and talk to her right now, that fades in comparison to how much I want God to be glorified through this. I am willing to wait if it means God will be glorified. That sounds so holy and good of me, and I don't mean for it to come off that way. I have just lived enough, even in my short 21 years, to know that it is always worth it, every time, to go through whatever I have to as long as I am where God wants me to be. I can't think of a way to say it that doesn't sound trite. But I know, I know, deep in my soul on some integral part of my foundation, that in His will is where I want to be. And so even though it isn't easy, I am willing to wait.

Psalm 68

I woke up with Psalm 68 on my heart, and I wanted to share some highlights:

"God shall arise, His enemies shall be scattered; and those who hate Him shall flee before Him! As smoke is driven away, so you shall drive them away; as wax melts before fire, so the wicked shall perish before God! But the righteous shall be glad; they shall exult before God; they shall be jubilant with joy! Sing to God, sing praises to His name; lift up a song to Him who rises through the deserts; His name is the Lord; exult before Him! Father of the fatherless and protector of the widows is God in His holy habitation. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing...Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation, and to God, the Lord, belong deliverances from death...O kingdoms of the earth, sing to God; sing praises to the Lord, to Him who rides in the heavens, the ancient heavens; behold, He sends out His voice, His mighty voice. Ascribe power to God, whose majesty is over Israel, and whose power is in the skies. Awesome is God from His sanctuary; the God of Israel -  He is the one who gives power and strength to His people. Blessed be God!"

New Kind of Difficult

There are some very different categories of difficult. If you've read my blog for any period of time, you know I wrestle a lot with the "daily difficult" (gross, I hate alliteration), what it means to follow Jesus on a daily basis. And now I am having to deal with the current trials that have come our way. Honestly, if I hadn't been learning how the first category, I would not be as okay with this new kind of difficult as I am.

I have learned to love wrestling. I love delving into those issues and getting to the hard and working it out with God until I understand, like Jacob did in Genesis. God has really developed a sense of joy in those trials, as James discusses in the New Testament. Which makes it that much easier to see this new kind of difficult as a blessing. I honestly believe that God has worked in my family, and now He's using this circumstance and saying, "World, watch and see who I am and the work that I do." He has made my family - as individuals and as a unit - into a new creation, and this is the time that it is most evident. I just have this sense of God smiling as He watches us - not that we aren't struggling, and not that there aren't a number of issues that we are working through in this process, but in all of it, we keep coming back to one thing: may God be glorified.

There are hard moments: tonight when I had to leave the hospital for the last time for a while as I return to school to take finals that I don't give a darn about right now; Sunday night when I truly thought I was going to lose my mom and had to surrender her to the Lord and say with complete trust, "Thy will be done"; watching my family struggle with this situation and knowing that even though I understand, I can't help them in these issues except by being there and loving them; seeing my mom hooked up to machines and tubes and all bruised up - my mom, who has always been the strong one, always been the capable one, always been the glue of our family. Its hard to see her like that, but at the same time, I am so confident in God's plan for her and for me and for our family and for our community. I look at her and I rejoice, because there is no reason in the world that she should have survived that car accident except that God is going to continue to use her for His purpose. And that is the greatest place to be in this entire universe. Every time I see Mama in that hospital bed, that is what I think about, and I walk confidently, and I rejoice in the fact that He is not done with her yet! That knowledge, that confidence, that certainty is what pushes me forward and makes me smile and allows me to laugh and grants me grace. God is so faithful, and I don't say that just because she survived the accident. I say that will full certainty, because I have already seen and heard ways that He is using this for His purposes.

I don't know. This is long and rambley and probably doesn't even make a lot of sense. I am just so thankful that God has prepared me as His child, my mother as His instrument, and my family as His unit for this circumstance. I am so thankful that God knew He could use us. I am so grateful that this happened to us, who know the Truth and understand that this is bigger than us, rather than someone who didn't know that. I know that sounds ridiculous to say, and I don't wish this happened to anyone, but of anyone it could happen to, thank God it was us!

Thank You

Many of my friends were able to see Les Mis last weekend, and one of my friends quotes on Facebook, "To love another person is to see the face of God." I was really struck by that, because its true in so many ways, but right now I am on the other side. To be loved by another person is to see the face of God.

This applies in so many ways. First, my mother. Mama is my best friend, my confidante, my pedicure-and-restaurant-buddy. She listens and gives advice and jokes with me and pushes me and encourages me and is always there for me and loves me unconditionally. I love her more than I have words to say. Particularly this weekend, many people have told me how I am just like her, and there is no greater honor than to be told those words. She has shaped me and taught me and showed me Jesus in so many ways, and I am so proud that she is my mother. To love her is to experience God's love in a certain way, but to be loved by her is to have a physical representation of who God is and His love for me. I can't really explain it more than that without crying, but truly, God uses Mama to love me, whether its checking my spirit or pushing me or encouraging me or just enjoying me. Our relationship is a constant reminder of what a relationship with God looks like. That sounds weird and trite and cheesy, but I don't know how else to put it.

Secondly, right now my fridge is full to overflowing and my phone is full of texts and calls and my email is blowing up and my Facebook is out of control with love from other people. We as a family and I as an individual have been so supported and loved in the past three days. I cannot being to tell you the people who have come by or given food or just offered support. My church family has been incredible. And that doesn't even touch my friends at school. I have received so many messages, just offering a sweet sentence and promises of prayer. I have emails from people who I honestly wouldn't have thought to tell about this just loving on me. I have never felt this supported in my entire life. I honestly in so many ways feel carried. My burden is light because it is shared, both with God and with those around me. This is what it means to be the Body of Christ. This is what it means to share my yoke with Him, with those He provides. God is so faithful - not just because Mama is doing well, but because He fulfills His promises and He uses His people to be His hands and feet. I have seen God in every text, every call, every hug, every message, every meal, every offer of help and prayer.

Thank you for loving us. Thank you for being faithful to that which God has called you. Thank you for your encouragement and support. God knew we couldn't do this without you, and I can only praise Him for giving us y'all! You have loved us, and we have seen the face of God.

For more updates, please check out www.raymelick.blogspot.com 

Mama

Saturday morning, Mama was in a car accident. They had to remove the side of the car to get her out. Based on the pictures, she honestly shouldn't be alive, so I thank God that we still have her with us! Mama's left ribs were torn away from her sternum and all broken, and a right rib was broken as well. Her liver was lacerated, a lung collapsed, and they had to remove her spleen. All of that was taken care of, for the most part, on Saturday. They stopped the internal bleeding and did everything they could. The worst is that her pelvis is really messed up and will require major reconstruction. Doctors suspect she will most likely walk with a limp for the rest of her life. 

They are keeping Mama in a medically-induced coma till the end of the week, so she's on a ventilator and everything. She'll be in the trauma ICU for 2-3 weeks, then in a "regular" room for another 2-3 weeks after that. Then they'll send her home in a wheelchair. It'll be about three months in a wheelchair until she starts rehab for her pelvis. 

I am so very thankful that God already had us ready for this - I was already going to be home for the summer, I just got my car last weekend, Roecker just got a lot more freedom after finishing "knob" year at The Citadel, etc. 

 

I am confident that God is going to use this for His glory - He has already worked in peoples' hearts. I am excited to see how else this spreads the Gospel, and I know that Mama is thinking the same thing. Honestly, I don't wish this on anyone, but I am thankful that we are a family bound by the Gospel, confident in the work that God is doing and in His plan for us.

The best moment in this by far happened tonight. The doctors weren't happy with Mama's blood work, so they went ahead and did surgery. Turns out, she just didn't like packing they had in her abdomen, and her heart was "bruised" and not wanting to produce the enzymes/steroids/etc. that her body needed (She will crack up reading this blog when she wakes up - clearly I am NOT a medical person!). The doctors can easily give her the steroids she needs, they removed the packing, and immediately her body started stabilizing! Well, I was in the waiting room waiting on Daddy to come back out to tell us the news. A bunch of people from my church showed up, and everyone fell silent as Daddy shared. I just cried and cried. It was such a holy moment, and after he finished, we all held hands and prayed and thanked God. It was just one of those moments that sticks with you forever - that was the Body in action, where two or more are gathered, Jesus is there, and He was most definitely present tonight! 

 

Thank you to everyone who has prayed and cared for us already. The love and support that has been shown to my family has truly blown me away. I am so thankful, there are not enough words so express how I feel and what I wish I could say to so many people. God is so good, He is so faithful in every single moment, and I love seeing how His will is being done even in a circumstance that can sometimes seem dark and hopeless. Yet I can confidently say, "Thy will be done" because I know the God I serve!

Please rejoice with me over the great news tonight, and keep praying for Mama's continual recovery in the next days, weeks, and months ahead. 

Commitment

The Christian life is very cyclical. Those things that I think I know, I find myself having to relearn again and again. There are times of great trust and joy, and then there are times of great trust and sorrow. There are times when I stand back and watch God move, and there are times when I have to fight to keep believing, to keep hoping, to keep waiting.

What I have realized is that this is how God intended it. Not originally, but after Adam and Eve sinned, God made a way through His Son. And He didn't intend for that to be it. From the start, God intended to make me new. He intended to lead me through the cycle of joy, sorrow, sin, salvation, belief and doubt, and then have it start all over again. He intended for me to fall into myself, my sin, my mess, in order to remind me of who He is and what He has done and is doing in me. God never meant for a quick fix. As frustrating as that can be, when I find myself struggling with the same thing over and over and over, it is also something I rejoice in. Because even though I fail, I know that God has not given up on me. When I fail, I know that God truly uses all things for my good, and He will use even that failure to draw me to Himself and make me new.

If I were God, I would just fix everything once. But the beauty lies in the continuity. Nothing else can save me but the Lord. And not only does He save me, but He commits to a relationship with me. He devotes Himself to me, to recreating me, to working in me, to spending time with me, to loving me, to teaching me to trust Him more. That is what it means to have a relationship, that is what it means to be sanctified, that is what it means to know the Lord. Not only does God save me, He commits to me. Knowing that just brings me back to my knees in wonder, awe, and praise.

Forgiveness Like A Crown

There is a song that we sing at my church back home, one that I have written about before. Its been on my mind lately, and I feel like its very appropriate during Holy Week.

The chorus says, "I trade my ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown. Coming to kiss the feet of mercy, I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross." In those two sentences, the importance of this week is explained. Without Jesus, I am nothing; my life is soot and ash. Yet, because of Jesus' work through the cross and resurrection, I can not only approach Him, surrender my burdens to Him, and walk freely in Him, but I wear forgiveness like a crown. I think about how to wear a crown, and it involves keeping one's head held high, proudly and confidently, secure in the knowledge of what you have and what it means. And when I think of wearing forgiveness like a crown,  that same image comes to mind, yet there is no responsibility, no shame - just forgiveness, joy, hope, and love.

If someone is wearing a crown, there is no doubt about it being there. Its pretty obvious. And I think about that with forgiveness. I wear forgiveness like a crown. It is undoubtedly there - I have undoubtedly and securely been forgiven. And even more, God displays that forgiveness on me through my life, choosing to use me to display the gift of the cross and the empty tomb to the world.

Understood

An integral part of people, or at least me, is a desire to be seen, to be known, to be understood. I think that, to me, means more than anything - being understood. There is something about having that communion with someone, being completely understood, relishing that moment of sweet connectedness and communication. That moment when I am truly known, when I am truly seen.

A lot of times in this struggle called Christianity, I think I am alone. So much of following the Lord involves inner struggle, and trying to explain only does so much. I can use all the words in the dictionary and still not have that moment of understood with someone. But I was thinking today and I realized that what I have said before is true: The wrestling of Christianity is when God is most evidently shaping me to be like Him. Which means that those times of wrestling, those moments of struggle, are the times when I am also intimately understood by Him. After all, He sees my old self in all of her depravity, her selfishness, her pride, her woundedness, her defensiveness. Yet He also sees the new self He is creating in me. He sees and more than that, He understands the conquering that He must do in me. Not only does He see and understand, but He rejoices in that. I just picture God working on me, grinning and laughing with pure joy over what He is doing, that I am His. He sees, and He understands, and that moment of sweet relief, of connection, of communion is more than present, because He is there too.

So yes, following Jesus is difficult. But I am never alone. And even more than that, I am understood.

Choices

So much of what we do and who we are revolves around our choices. I subconsciously make choices in every minute. I choose my attitude, my actions, my words, even my thoughts. I choose my reactions, my emotions.

I can choose to walk satisfied in the Lord, or I can choose sin.

I can choose to find my worth in Jesus, or I can choose to look for it in others and  myself.

I can choose to live with joy, or I can choose to wallow in my own self-pity.

I want to live like a sponge, soaking up water and goodness from the source and then wringing myself out to benefit others. Its easy to get caught up in my stuff, in the stuff around me, but its better to choose Jesus. All these things that I have to give up -  these filthy, dirty, scraps of nothing - are so little in comparison to what I gain from knowing Jesus. I am little, but He is everything. And that is what I choose to walk in.

Tug of War

I was reading in Philippians the other day, and I was struck with this thought: For unity to exist, I must be humble. That is hard. Humility is hard - not in the sense of our accomplishments, but in the sense of our general lifestyle. To be humble means to sacrifice my own desires. My own wants, my own needs, my own issues, my own self. That is hard!

I know I have been writing on this theme a lot lately. This is difficult stuff. Its hard to wrap my mind around, and its even harder to put into action. It involves finding my identity and my worth in nothing but Jesus. That is a truth that I still haven't fully grasped, which leads me to seek my worth in others, which leaves me empty, alone, and hurt and drives me back to the Cross, where my only worth is found.

Lately I feel like my old self has been rearing its ugly head, wanting my way in my timing, everything neatly how I want it. I have been wrapped in this bubble of me. And that is just yucky - it feels yucky, it looks yucky, it just is yucky. That is not me anymore. I am not that person. Constantly dying - forcing my old self to death - is a hard battle. Its hard to surrender, to recognize the truth. I feel it in my soul, this tug back and forth. What I want versus what I know to be true. Who I was versus who I am now. What I think versus what God continually reminds me. Its hard. I fail. I fail so many times. It isn't fun. Yet God reminds me that this is part of the redemption process. This tug and pull is part of being made new. It stinks, but I also know that it means I am not who I once was. I am not that girl anymore. This wrestling means that God is at work in me.

I used to think that when I couldn't "feel" God's presence, then something was wrong. I wasn't doing something right if I couldn't feel Him near. But now I know better. Those times when I don't feel God are often the times He is working most. Those times when I am most battling with my old self are the times when God is hardest at work in me, molding me to be like Him.

In my last post, I mentioned what we like to think about Christianity. We like to think its easy, that everything is better once we follow Jesus. That could not be more of a lie. My life is harder now than it ever was before. I've been following Jesus for almost eleven years, and if anything I see my need for Him more than ever before. Its hard to follow God. There is nothing that makes it easier, but knowing Him, knowing who He is, loving and being loved by Him - that makes it all worth it.

To Follow

I feel like I write the same thing a lot. But mostly its because God has to remind me of these things over and over again. And I also just want others to know the freedom that is in Jesus.

Satan has used the struggles of the Church to create an image of the church for non-Believers. The things that we as the Body struggle with - sacrifice, suffering, choosing to follow Jesus over ourselves, how to relate the American ideals of health, wealth, and prosperity with the Bible - are apparent. Often we make ways to relate these unrelated things, such as promising ourselves that if we do good then we will be rewarded with the things we want on earth, with an easy life, etc. We create this ideal, and that is what the world sees, and even more, it is often what we as Believers see and think is right.

We have built up this image of what it means to follow to Jesus, and it involves following the rules, praying all the time, reading the Bible every minute, being a good person, etc. We have entrapped ourselves in this completely fake and created path. Good Christians don't struggle with their faith. Good Christians don't doubt. Good Christians don't question God. Good Christians don't fight to find the Truth because they should already know it and it should be simple - follow God. Those are lies  - that is not what it means to follow Jesus.

Following Jesus is hard. I read in Philippians yesterday where it says, "For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on Him, but also to suffer for Him." Suffering is an integral part of the faith. To me, suffering here means the struggle to follow Jesus. It is the struggle to give up my independence, my wants and desires and supposed needs, my pride and selfishness, and "choose what is better." It is the struggle to follow Him in all things. For some, this means verbal and physical persecution. That is a very real aspect of faith that occurs all over the world, in some places more than other. It is easy for me to say that that part of faith is an honor, because I have not experienced it, but the Bible is very clear that suffering persecution for the sake of Jesus is honorable and reveals God's glory.

In my own life, the "persecution" I face for Jesus is more from myself and Satan. It is the constant internal battle. It is choosing to follow Jesus is every moment, it is turning my back on myself and letting me die over and over again. It is choosing what is better. Our real is our real, and God has us where we are because that is where His glory will be most revealed through us.

Living "the Christian life" is far more complicated and far more simple than we like to think. It is difficult. I constantly wrestle with God as Jacob did - I struggle to follow Him, His will, discern what He wants from me, and figure out how He wants it. I drown in my self, thrusting out my hand, gasping for Jesus to save me. And He reaches out His hand and holds me close and reminds me of the truth. I truly believe that my life is most beautiful to God in this messy, wrestling, fighting, relenting faith. He loves for me to wrestle with Him, with following Him, because that is Him working in me and molding me to become more like Him.

It is hard. It hurts. It is tiring. It requires sacrifice. It requires denying myself. It requires coming to terms with very difficult ideas - those of my culture and those of my God. It requires constant reminding from God. But those moments show that I am being made new. My faith is not easy. But that is the point - I cannot do it, but He does it through and in me. And in that lies my freedom.

Peace Out!

I am currently on the road to Colorado! Indeed, for spring break (or Wonder Week, as we like to call it), a bunch of my friends and I are road-tripping out to the great state of Colorado! To say I am excited is an understatement.

Seven friends. Seven states. America, here we come!

Freedom, Identity, Worth, Life

A lot of the things I've been learning have been building on each other, which is very cool. Basically, I've had "Greater love has no man than this: that he lay down his life for his friends," running through my mind pretty constantly. That tied with the idea that I am who Jesus says I am has made for some amazing realizations. When Tim talked at RUF last week, a lot of what he said coincided perfectly with these thoughts, so some of this is from my notes.

Because I am who Jesus says I am, I can live not for myself. I don't need to defend myself, to protect my feelings, to be concerned over how people will regard who I am, etc. I don't need to allow my feelings to be hurt because, although I will be hurt, I am who Jesus says I am, and that makes me more than anything I can feel. My needs are fulfilled in Jesus. I have no need to try to save myself in any sense of that concept because He has done it, He has fulfilled me, and He has determined who I am. I am freed from any sense of status, how others view me, because of this.

Jesus has based my worth solely in Himself. That is worth repeating: Jesus has based my worth solely in Himself. I am found in Him, so I am complete. My life, lived by me, is over - my worth is found. As a result, God lives through me to show Himself to others. He has deemed me so precious that He called me to follow the example of His son, and then He through me - the least of these, the worst of sinners - changes the world. I am nothing; He is everything. I will hide myself in Jesus, because He is my source, my satisfaction, my worth, and out of that He plays the gospel out in my life. I no longer live but Christ Jesus lives in me.

Greater Love

"Greater love has no man than this: that he should lay down his life for his friends."

I am learning a little about what this verse means. I know the Man this verse refers to is Jesus, and I don't know that I will every literally have to lay down my life for my friends (although its possible, and many people do it). But I think it applies in everyday life as well.

Laying down my life means laying down my wants, my needs, my hopes, my dreams, my expectations. It means sacrificing my opinion, my sensitivity, my pride, my emotions for my friends. Whether it is silently and instantly forgiving or biting my tongue and smiling or giving up my own desire to be cared for, I am called to lay down my life for my friends. Because this is what Jesus did for me, and because this is how Jesus shows the Gospel in the everyday through my life.

Sometimes this takes conscious choice, literally stopping myself or shoving my own wants aside. Other times God just takes over and does it for me (those are the best times!). But this is how I choose to follow Jesus in every moment. I want this to become my habit, my routine. Yet at the same time, I don't want it to become routine, because every time I experience that bittersweet moment of letting go, I experience anew what Jesus did for me. And how greatly God's glory is revealed through that! I remember who He is, what He has done, and what He continues to do. I remember why I exist - to love Him. The most tangible expression of this love is sacrificing my own self in order that He lives the Gospel through me. That is what I want most. That is what my soul yearns for. It is hard, so hard, but the hard is good. I don't think it will ever become easier to do this, because I don't think it really is supposed to be easy. But I am thankful, because it reminds me of my Redeemer.

I Am Who Jesus Says I Am

Tim said something at RUF this week that has just been sticking with me, so I thought I would share. He said, "Who you are is who Jesus says you are."

I am who Jesus says I am.

Talk about confidence! Since Thursday, I have repeated this phrase over and over - when I faced temptation, when I doubted, when I wondered, when I worried. I am who Jesus says I am. That has a whole mess of connotations, because Jesus says I am a lot of things - I am His, I am loved, I am His hands and feet, I am someone who has the Holy Spirit in me, etc. That means a lot of things, things that I haven't begun to process. Right now, it is enough for me to know that I am who Jesus says I am. That is freedom!

What it Means to Live Radically

I have been talking to people (Believers) recently and I keep hearing over and over again about how they want to do something. They love God, and they just want to go and tell the poor and abused and hurting about His love. They want to go to Africa and India and shine God's light and show His love. They want to do something big, something real, something that really serves God.

I totally understand this, probably a lot more than other people. I am very much a do-er. And I have experience in those things - I honestly have gone and served and been Jesus to people who don't know Him. I don't say that in a boastful way, but I say it because that is what God called me specifically to do last summer. I understand reading stories of great heroes of the faith and just wanting to go and do the same thing. That desire, that yearning, resides deep in my heart. I get passionate thinking about missions, my heart beats a little faster, I physically long to do it.

But - and this is where it hurts - this thrilling, exciting, life-changing, dramatic, wonderful, real thing called missions is not what God has called me to right now. And I don't think He has called all of these people to that kind of missions either. Some of them, yes. All of them, no.

Following God is not always easy.
When I am in Hungary, it is very easy for me to follow the Lord. I am very in tune with what He is doing, with what He has for me to do specifically every day, with how desperate people around me are for Him. It is very easy for me to live out my faith, to be God-focused every minute. I learn so much, I experience faith in a very different and real way, and even the hard is invigorating because it is part of the fight.

When I got home from Hungary, I remember talking to my mom and telling her that I knew I wasn't supposed to be in Hungary right now because if I cannot follow God like that here at home, then I am not ready to be doing it somewhere else. It is hard to follow God at home, where we are comfortable. For some reason, home is different. I don't see how people need Him as much, and I see the flaws of people as their own failures rather than their need for God. I try to do things on my own, I try to be God in my life, I try to do the things that will make me grow, I take charge of my relationship with God. And that is so completely utterly wrong of me.
God is the one who I want to follow, not myself. I want to grapple with these hard things that make up following Him at home. I want to know Him and see Him as I do when I am apart from where I am comfortable. And that means I become more and more aware of my sin - my independence, my need for control, my self-reliance, etc. As that happens, I learn what it means to truly follow God. It is not always easy, in fact, most of the time it is really hard. But it is worth it. And its beautiful in a very different way because it is hard-won. It is wrestling and finally accepting. It is joy because I know intimately that God loves me and will not leave me as I am.

I am not saying that the mission field is easy. That is actually the opposite of what I mean - the mission field is hard and frustrating and tiring. But sometimes it is also easier than my mission field here because this is where my temptations constantly get the best of me. This is where I allow myself to be distracted and fall astray. So the idea of the mission field is tempting, because it is simpler in some ways.

 We are not all called to be missionaries, but we are all called to give up our lives for the Lord. Every single one of us is called to surrender to Him and allow Him to do through us, whether that means working hard in class or smiling at our neighbor or volunteering downtown or moving to Africa and giving up the life we know. The challenge comes in living out this "radical" lifestyle that we are all called to in our everyday lives. How do we sacrifice it all for the Lord at home? How do we honor Him and serve Him and care for the widows and orphans and proclaim the Gospel with our lives every single day? That is truly the ultimate challenge. That is what it means to seek after the Lord. As my former college pastor says, God needs "boring Christians." He needs the accountants and the engineers and the bankers and the teachers and the stay-at-home moms and the contractors and everyone on the list (the above list was completely random, although the first three were listed because working in those careers would be my personal hell. Thankfully God needs us all!). Because the people who impacted my life the most were not ones we would typically view as radical. Those people who volunteered to teach my Sunday school class, who led Bible studies, who encouraged me at church every Sunday, who asked about my life, who loved me as Jesus does - those are the "boring" Christians that God used to shape me.

It comes down to loving God and loving His people. I could list a number of people who probably have no idea how much they impacted my life, just by following God.

Glorious

A major theme in my life (well, in everyone's life, really) is the glory of God. I've thought a lot about this topic, but over the last five months, God has shown me even more about what His glory is.

For a long time, I thought that glorifying God was my responsibility. If you've read this blog for any period of time, you know that I frequently try to justify myself, to prove myself worthy of salvation, to show God that He didn't make a mistake in saving me, that I will make it up to Him. And He continually reminds me, "Sara Beth, you cannot make it up to me, nor do I ask you to. I love you and I will never leave you. You are mine, and I delight in making you new."

I realized last semester that God cannot get more glory than He already has. I wrote a whole blog post on this that you can read here. Essentially, God has all the glory. He is the only One worthy of glory, and all glory that exists is His.

Man's purpose is to glorify God and love Him forever. My favorite definition of glorify is, "Reveal or make clearer the glory (of God) by one's actions." So how does my life reveal His glory?

The way that God's glory is most revealed is through the salvation process. When I choose to follow Jesus, God is glorifies. The fact that God left His heaven and His throne to come to earth in the form of Jesus, to among man, to live a perfect life, to die my death, and to overcome the grave in order to set me free and draw me to Himself is pretty mind-blowing. God gives me the choice to follow Him, but it is not me choosing salvation that reveals His glory. Rather, God reveals His own glory in my salvation. He saved me, He drew me to Himself, He redeemed me, He is making me new. I really do nothing in this equation. God's glory is revealed by His own actions as He saves me and molds me after Himself. He does the work. When I follow His will, that isn't me revealing His glory - that is God revealing His glory through me.

I can do nothing. All God desires of me is that I love Him. Everything else flows from that. He does the work. He proves Himself through me - He proves His own glory through my life. Yes, in His ultimate love, God chose to not only save me but to reveal Himself to others through my life, not by what I do but by how He works in me.

I don't know if this makes sense. I feel like I have pressured myself to do so much to show God or prove Him or bring Him glory or be worthy of Him, when actually I have no other role but to love Him. And loving Him isn't a responsibility or a job - it is a joy, a natural thing, an uncontrollable response to His love for me. Yes, this does seem to get convoluted in my life, but when it all comes down to it, this is what I know to be true: I love my God. And that is more than enough. He delights in that love and wants nothing else from me.

Catching Up

Since being back at school things have been a whirlwind! Honestly, I cannot believe that midterm is in just two weeks! These first weeks back have been wonderful.

When I moved in, I loved spending time with my wonderful roommates and my friends! It was so good to catch up with people and hear about their semesters/lives. Its nice to get back into the routine of classes and such too. I love my classes - all but one are in my major, and I am more thankful than ever that I decided to do an ICP (create my major)! I could not be happier with all that I am learning.

Celebrating Hilary's birthday!

My roommates and I had a superbowl party, but we didn't even make it a fourth of the way through this rice krispy treat from Raegan's grandmother!

Rush was the first two weeks of January - talk about jumping into the fire! But it was fun to hang out with my fellow Tri Delts and talk to freshmen as they came through the rounds. Bid Day was so exciting!

Katie and I before Pref Tea

The next weekend, I went to Charleston to see my brother! Roecker won an award at his military school; only one freshman from each company was selected, and he was chosen! I had not been to Charleston before, and I was excited to explore the city. Even more, I was excited to hang out with my brother! It was so neat to see the Parade and then meet a few of his friends. We went to dinner and then a movie that night. On Saturday, we wandered around Charleston on foot all day. It was perfect! I loved Charleston, and it was fun to explore it all with Roecker.

Outside the church where my grandparents were married!

Wandering the parks of Charleston

Last weekend was Big Sis Rev for my sorority, meaning that my little got a little! It was fun to spend the time with Angela preparing for our newest family member. I am so happy that Mary is my grand-little! She is absolutely wonderful, and I cannot wait to get to know her better! My Tri Delt fam cracks me up - we are a silly bunch, but I couldn't have picked a better family to belong to!

My sweet and beautiful little, Angela!

We are so excited to have Mary in our family!

This past weekend, I ended up going on the RUF Winter Conference. We were a small group representing my school, but we had a blast! I couldn't have imagined it being better! It was fun to get to know people that I hadn't known before. We hung out and hiked and danced. I got to play with some little kids during the afternoon, which I loved - sometimes I really miss being a nanny! It was a great time of rest, fellowship, and encouragement.

The RUF winter conference gang

(We had just finished dancing in freezing temperatures - it was 12 degrees that night!)

Now its back to school - another week of classes ahead. Next weekend is Destination Unknown (a Tri Delt function), and spring break will be here before I know it!