Grace For This Reality

 I can truly say that I thank God for Mama's accident. I am so thankful for this time, as hard as it is, as much as I hate it. Oh, I don't always act that way. There are times I either stubbornly refuse to accept this as our reality, or I imagine it is all a dream or a cruel joke. There are days that I have to force myself to make this my new normal, to come to terms with this as our reality. I will admit that there are moments that I just don't want to deal with this, I don't want to do the things that Mama needs me to do. There are lots of times that I physically swallow down my protests, my grumblings, my disappointment, my frustration, sometimes even my anger that I have to deal with this. I know there are moments that Mama has seen those emotions in me, and I hate that, because it isn't really aimed towards her. Its just hard, as she knows more than any of us. But I hate to add to her difficult with my own issues.

But God has also given me so much grace. I have seen Him totally transform me in this process. In my last post, I talked about God's power. You want to hear about God's power? First of all, MAma survived this accident that should have killed her. She honestly should not be alive right now, not only from the impact but from her injuries. There are a number of injuries that individually should have taken her, not to mention all of them combined! Mama wasn't supposed to be home until the end of May/beginning of June. She came home May 12. I am the least medically oriented person in the world. I hate everything involving it. Anytime something goes wrong physically with someone in the family, I would go pray. Mama would say, "We're taking Roecker to the ER!"  and I'd run to my room to pray until she or Daddy called with the update. I can't deal with this kind of thing, its so uncomfortable for me. But since Mama's accident, God has amazingly enabled me to do anything that I need to do. All those things that usually I run from, God has empowered me to do, and not only do them, but do them without a second thought. I did reach my limit with Mama's stomach wound, and thankfully God provided a dear family friend who stepped up to take care of that.

God has surrounded us with so many people who love us and care for us and provide for us. From taking care of our yard to cleaning our house to providing meals to sitting with Mama while I am at work, the list is endless of the support God has implemented.

And God has given my family so much grace to handle this together. Most of the time, we sit and laugh and joke, even as Mama is in her hospital bed. God has given Daddy and I, in particular, perspectives that allow us to do what we need to do and not think much of it. Most of the time, God pushes me beyond myself. Truly, the power of God in my life is the peace that passes all understanding. That has overwhelmed me. While those moments of frustration happen, honestly, they pale in comparison to the times when God overwhelms my own selfish response with His grace, peace, and love. That display of power - His consuming my response and replacing it with His won - is the one I continually marvel at.

And I want to continue in that, I want to dwell in that. I want to choose His power as I care for Mama. That is what God has done, and is doing, in us. His power is displayed so evidently in our lives right now. Mama sees it in a very real way. I witness it in every moment. This is the power of God, the grace that He gives us.

So I do thank Him for this. I thank Him for the things He is teaching me, and us, as a result of this. I thank Him for reminders of His love and compassion. I thank Him for not relenting, for not making this easy. Because its worth it. No matter what, following Him is worth it. And because of that, because of who God is and what He has done, I can thank Him, even for this.