Another Joshua Stone

It really is the little things that I take for granted.

I'm sitting here in Mama's unit watching her sleep. And by sleep, I mean actually sleep. She isn't sedated, she isn't in the chemical paralysis, she is soundly and visibly sleeping. It brings peace to my soul.

I have noticed this, the little things that I don't usually pay attention to. Turning at a red light, I am much more cautious than ever before, particularly in the morning. Walking through the house, I suddenly see things in a new way, in light of how Mama will perceive them when she gets home. Even more, sitting in the hospital with her, I listen and watch and do things in a new way, with new ears and eyes and movements, aware of what they all mean for her in the "reality" that she is in.

It is hard. Today she was so restless for so much of the day, and this afternoon she was in a lot of pain. I think that is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, sit beside her and hide my tears and stroke her hand while she was crying these breathless sobs of pain. But even as she is in pain, I know it's good, because it means we are closer to her getting off the ventilator, into her own room, back into her house, home with her family where she belongs. Home. Man, I cannot wait for that day.

There are so many things that right now I'm promising myself I will never again take for granted, even though I know I will. I know I won't always remember or the feel the things I am now. But at the same time, there will be more moments that I don't take for granted because of this. I have such a greater appreciation for our conversations, for our inside jokes. I'm so thankful that she is my best friend, because there are so many stories I can't wait to tell her about this circumstance that I already know how she will react to. So many things have happened where I can literally hear her voice in my head responding, and I am so thankful for that. I laugh at some many things because I hear what she would be saying about it (oh boy, I'm hearing voices in my head....this may not seem as good as it actually is. Which could be even more of a sign that I am going crazy!). Those are the moments that are life's gifts, in many ways, and I hope I  - we - look at them differently after this. I hope we clutch them tightly to us, savor them, and tuck them away in our hearts. Like I said, I know I will still take things for granted and I know that I will get frustrated and I know that the road ahead will be so hard. But I also hope - and know - that I will remember this, and maybe not take it so much for granted in the future.

I don't know. These are just my rambling thoughts. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes any sense, I just know that it feels good to have them down, to know that in a little while Mama will read these and know exactly what I was thinking about. And I know she'll understand these posts and know what I actually mean, because she's my mom and my best friend. This is all really for her, and for me, for my sanity. As Daddy says, its all self-indulgent. And Mama always says that she wishes she could be a fly on the wall of my life (which is weird, and I always tell her it's weird, but she says it's a mom thing, which I believe - although I do live a pretty great life haha), so this is her glimpse into my life at her bedside.