What Did I Expect?

In the last eleven months, we have been told so many things by doctors and therapists and medical people, only for them not to work out. More often than not, Mama hears "bad" news whenever she visits the doctor or even the physical therapist (bad news meaning another problem that reveals itself or even just the fact that things that should be better aren't). Now we're at a place where we've been told some good news, but I am having a very hard time hoping that it is true.

It is like part of me is just afraid to hope, to try, to be optimistic. When I look back at how I felt when the accident first happened, I was so full of hope and confidence. I was so ready to see how God was working, I was so ready for a miracle, I was so ready to choose optimism because I figured it couldn't hurt. Well, I learned that choosing optimism and hope actually can hurt. It can hurt a lot when your hopes are constantly dashed. Proverbs 13 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick," and I understand that verse so well after the last eleven months.

But I am also realizing (today, in fact) that hope is worth the hurt. I am trying to choose to hope even though it sometimes results in a bruised and aching heart. At the Easter service on Sunday, Pastor Kallam said something that is resonating with me today. In Luke, chapter 24 talks about the women at the empty tomb who were wondering what had happened. Two angels appeared before them and said, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; He has risen! Remember how He told you..." When Jesus appears to His disciples and the women after defeating death, it is kind of like He asks them, "Well, what did you expect?"

So what is hope if you aren't willing to risk being hurt? If I can't risk my heart, is that really trusting? Ultimately, I know that Jesus has won. I know that Jesus has His best for me in every single moment. I know that Jesus' plans for me are far better than my dreams for myself. It is hard to trust that and to hope in that when it feels like I've been let down, or that my hopes have been crushed. But I am challenging myself to hope anyway. Jesus has proven Himself, so many times. He promises that He will not grow tired or weary, He will give strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength in Him. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. I am challenging myself to run to Jesus with my hurt, to be honest with Him and myself, and to trust in who He has proven Himself to be and in the promises He has made. It is less a sudden confidence and more a desperation that demands I find shelter in Jesus. He is all that He promises. He will carry me and He will sustain me. So I will trust and hope.

 Because what else do I really expect?