Refine Me

Faith is battle.

That sounds so strange, but its true. And the funny thing is that the battle brings joy.

I was talking with someone yesterday, and I started realizing again the struggle that I face between what is good and the sin that is my nature. So many things that I desire or speak for or fight for are good things, things of the Lord. But my motives so often get in the way and distort those good things.

I first saw this struggle in Hungary. There was one day when I was doing the right thing, but my heart was crying out in bitterness. It was the quandary of being right but my motives and heart being wrong. The Lord called me out on it then, and He did so yesterday.

It is such a struggle, such a difficult thing to wrap my mind around. My sin nature has distorted everything, yet the Lord's grace is sufficient! He is not content to let me rest in my sin, but He calls me out, He leads me to wrestle with Him, He challenges me to settle for nothing less than His will.
I am so acquainted with the feelings Jacob must have had when he wrestled with God. My Bible says, "So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled the man. Then the man said, 'Let me go, for it is daybreak.' But Jacob replied, 'I will not let you go unless you bless me'" (Genesis 32:22-26). I know I've written about this before, but I just love it! I so feel like Jacob, able to wrestle all night. My heart goes back and forth, justifying myself and then admitting my depravity, trying to reason my way out of it and then hearing the Spirit's reprimand. I've felt the Lord literally change me (my heart) in order to give me rest. And I feel like Jacob, saying, "I will not let You go until I know Your will." I'm not content to quit until I am changed, until I am satisfied, until I have peace.

Wrestling with my own nature versus what I know is right, seeking the nature of my motives, struggling to mold my heart to the Lord's - it is exhausting. But I am blessed when I do so. God guides me.

Tonight (after I had written the first part of this post), I found this guy's blog. You may have heard of him, his  name is Chad, and  he has a liver disease. A few months ago his younger brother Ryan donated part of his liver to Chad, ended up going into cardiac arrest, and dying. Chad survived, and he has a blog that I found (thanks to AOL news). Anyway, this one post I read talked about this same thing, faith and wrestling with God. I love what Chad writes. He describes the three ways people view faith and his third one is so so good. He writes, "Then there are those that somehow come crawling out of the ashes and the bedlam – their hair smoking, their clothes smoldering and their soul blistered. These are people who have prayed heartfelt prayers to a God they’ve clung to their entire life. Regardless, things didn’t turn out like they planned – not even close. They’ve got questions, but they’re not doubting. They’re hurt but they’re not damaged. They’re not cracked, but you better believe they are broken.They don’t turn their back on God, because in the deepest part of their humanness there is a settling that God is still the only lifeboat left on this fantasy cruise. Not set on understanding, but desperately depending on their only Real Hope." 

That is what wrestling with God looks like! I can come to Him questioning, hurt, broken, angry, confused, disappointed, whatever it is I am struggling with, I can search for answers, I can wrestle out my sin and go back and forth, and God welcomes that. He drives out my sin, bit by bit, tearing it out of my ever-grasping fists. I can feel Him prying open my hands finger by finger. And I feel Him smiling as He does it! It is hard for me, it does break me, but it leaves me with no where else to run but to He Who washes me, sanctifies me, justifies me in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 6:11). God is dismantling my pride and sense of entitlement and selfishness and self-justification and independence and self-reliance. I know He is. And it isn't easy, but I am so thankful! I am so thankful that God is not content to leave me as I am without Him. I am so thankful that He says, "You are not enough and you can never be enough. But I have made you for MY glory, and I will mold you into who I intended you to be." Praise God for that!

I know I've written about this topic a lot these past few months. You'd think I would get these things the first time, but God is faithful and continues to sanctify me from my sin. I have to praise Him for that! His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness!

Keep wrestling.