Kingdom Come

I'm not really sure if this is going to make sense, but I needed to be reminded of these things, as is often the case when I blog. I've lost a little bit of my joy, and I'm a little frustrated with who I am. So I want to take some time and remember where I've come from.

 Psalm 77 says, "I will remember the deeds of the Lord." And God often reminds the Israelites how important it is to remember what He has done, where He has brought them from. So I want to remember. Right now its easy, because I'm wallowing in my sin. I know to an extent my depravity. Do I understand it completely? No. And I have little comprehension of how I pain the Lord with my sin. The fact that I choose to sin, despite knowing Jesus and what He has done and is doing in me...That sickens me. Literally, it makes me sick to my stomach. What kind of creature am I, saved and knowing the grace and love of Jesus yet choosing to spit on His face and turn my back on Him? Yet, and I can't even believe I can type that, yet Jesus chose to redeem me. He saw me in my sin before I was even born, and He loved me in a way that I cannot understand. He chose to pay the price for me. A price that required Him to give up everything and fight for me. It doesn't make sense. I am not worth anything. But still, Jesus came and lived a perfect life and taught us what it means to follow Him, to give everything away and take up our crosses and run after Him, and He died a senseless death for everyone ever created, knowing that they would not all accept His gift (but He did it anyway! What kind of love is that?), and then He fought Satan, He fought death, and He paid the price for us. He rose again, defeating death, the victor, but He didn't even stop there! No, He sent His Spirit to live inside us and encourage and guide us in our race after Jesus. Right now, this is so poignant to me. I'm in an Islam class this semester, and I am reading a book for another class that talks a lot about the Hindus of India; when I compare those gods to my God, the one true God, I am blown away. What kind of God do I serve who not only saved me because He knew I couldn't save myself and He loved me and wanted to be with me but who sent His Spirit to continue working on me? He didn't leave me after saving me, hoping I would do my best. Instead, He came to live inside me and teach me and discipline me and encourage me.

I feel Peter's struggle so acutely. Peter was so desperate to follow Jesus but he constantly made mistakes. I know that very well. When Peter says in John 13:37, "Lord, why can't I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you," yet he denies Jesus just a few hours later, that is me. I hate it, but that is me. I type these words, wanting to give everything for Jesus and my faith, but tomorrow morning, I know I will somehow deny Him in my sin. And that is so frustrating. I don't know how to relate that. I don't know how to relate my love and my failure. But I guess it goes back to the parable of the lost son. Someone once preached on this and talked about how we innately want to pay restitution for our sin (seen in Luke 15:17-20), but that Grace overwhelms the need for restitution. That is the whole point. I can't pay restitution and God knows that. He has taken that away. In wanting to pay restitution, I am sinning in my self-reliance and pride. So I have to let go and trust and keep running after Jesus. "Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart" (Hebrews 12:1-3). I'm adopting that as my mantra for a while. Throw off sin, keep running, and keep my eyes on Jesus.