New Kind of Difficult

There are some very different categories of difficult. If you've read my blog for any period of time, you know I wrestle a lot with the "daily difficult" (gross, I hate alliteration), what it means to follow Jesus on a daily basis. And now I am having to deal with the current trials that have come our way. Honestly, if I hadn't been learning how the first category, I would not be as okay with this new kind of difficult as I am.

I have learned to love wrestling. I love delving into those issues and getting to the hard and working it out with God until I understand, like Jacob did in Genesis. God has really developed a sense of joy in those trials, as James discusses in the New Testament. Which makes it that much easier to see this new kind of difficult as a blessing. I honestly believe that God has worked in my family, and now He's using this circumstance and saying, "World, watch and see who I am and the work that I do." He has made my family - as individuals and as a unit - into a new creation, and this is the time that it is most evident. I just have this sense of God smiling as He watches us - not that we aren't struggling, and not that there aren't a number of issues that we are working through in this process, but in all of it, we keep coming back to one thing: may God be glorified.

There are hard moments: tonight when I had to leave the hospital for the last time for a while as I return to school to take finals that I don't give a darn about right now; Sunday night when I truly thought I was going to lose my mom and had to surrender her to the Lord and say with complete trust, "Thy will be done"; watching my family struggle with this situation and knowing that even though I understand, I can't help them in these issues except by being there and loving them; seeing my mom hooked up to machines and tubes and all bruised up - my mom, who has always been the strong one, always been the capable one, always been the glue of our family. Its hard to see her like that, but at the same time, I am so confident in God's plan for her and for me and for our family and for our community. I look at her and I rejoice, because there is no reason in the world that she should have survived that car accident except that God is going to continue to use her for His purpose. And that is the greatest place to be in this entire universe. Every time I see Mama in that hospital bed, that is what I think about, and I walk confidently, and I rejoice in the fact that He is not done with her yet! That knowledge, that confidence, that certainty is what pushes me forward and makes me smile and allows me to laugh and grants me grace. God is so faithful, and I don't say that just because she survived the accident. I say that will full certainty, because I have already seen and heard ways that He is using this for His purposes.

I don't know. This is long and rambley and probably doesn't even make a lot of sense. I am just so thankful that God has prepared me as His child, my mother as His instrument, and my family as His unit for this circumstance. I am so thankful that God knew He could use us. I am so grateful that this happened to us, who know the Truth and understand that this is bigger than us, rather than someone who didn't know that. I know that sounds ridiculous to say, and I don't wish this happened to anyone, but of anyone it could happen to, thank God it was us!