Choosing the Gospel

I needed to take a step back and examine my response in light of the Gospel. This whole circumstance with Mama is complicated - more complicated for me than I can adequately express. So I needed to check myself in light of who I know I am in Jesus, and where I know that He has me.

I like to be in control. I have this incredibly huge sense of responsibility, and often that plays out with me taking control. Because after all, if I am responsible, I know it will get done how I want it, and even if it doesn't end up how I want it, I will have been there through the process so I at least know what's going on. God designed me with this understanding of responsibility, but my old sin nature twisted God's design to be something it wasn't intended to be. And I must confess, that is what I am wrestling with right now.

For the past two weeks, a large part of Mama's care has been in my willing hands. Taking care of Mama isn't something that I am forced to do - yes, its helpful that I am here to do it, but I choose this. And it has truly been an honor and a privilege to be here for Mama. It isn't another "responsibility" to me. There is truly nowhere else I would rather be. I mean that in a way that I can't describe, you will just have to trust that those words ring true deep in my soul. When I say that Mama is my best friend, I don't mean that casually. When I am home, pretty much everything I do involves Mama. We go out to dinner at "our" restaurants, we watch "our" shows, I visit her at work -  even random errands are done together. I have always had the hardest time leaving her and my family, even in high school. I would go through these massive debates in my mind over what to do on Friday night: yes, I will have fun with my friends, but I would also have fun with Mama. Ridiculous, but I'm being honest here. So being here with Mama at this time is just natural. A lot of people have asked if I want to "get out" - and I understand their meaning, and I do need to - but in the last three years, anytime I have been home, "getting out" has almost always involved my mom and doing something with her. So it's always bittersweet when I leave the house for extended periods of time.

But there is another reason that I don't leave Mama. And that goes back to me liking to be in control. If I am there, even though I can't stop her pain, I can do things to ease it, and at least I am there knowing it's happening. If I am with Mama, I can do anything she needs, be it fix food, help her roll over, help her move to the wheelchair, etc. If I am there, I know when the nurse and physical therapist come, and I know what they say, and I know how best to help. If I am there, I know what's going on, and even if it's not good, at least I have firsthand knowledge of what happened. Knowledge is power, and power is control. What a sick twisted presumptuous perspective.

Sunday in church, Pastor Kallam presented the Gospel. As I sat there before taking the Lord's supper, I realized that the Gospel is what allows me to relinquish my sense of control, my sense of responsibility. It's because of the Gospel that I can let go, I can trust others for Mama's care - heck, I can  trust Mama for her care. It's because of the Gospel that I can leave, and I can leave confidently. Yes, something might happen while I am gone - Mama could get behind on medicine, or she could want something, or any number of things - but it's because of the Gospel that my confidence isn't in myself but in the Lord. He is who I trust in all things, first and foremost. He is who I run to, who I cling to. He is my shelter, my calm, my peace. And my old self keeps rising up to steal that from me, to cloud my vision with ideas of control and responsibility. But I know the truth, and the truth sets me free.

God is just, and as my judge, He requires certain things. I do have a certain responsibility. But God is my justifier. Jesus took my debt and paid the price. He took on my responsibilities and as a result He bears the scars. There is no need for me to constantly scar myself with my own need for control. God doesn't require any more from me. I have no more responsibilities in His eyes. He has done it, and He will do it. He will not let go of me. All I can do is love Him. And therein lies my freedom - freedom from sin, freedom from control, freedom from responsibility.

In my life, this doesn't mean that I will be leaving Mama's side much more than I already am. But when I do leave, whether it's to go run errands or see a friend or even make Mama a smoothie in the kitchen, I can leave confidently. I am going to choose not to worry, not to control, not to make Mama's life  my responsibility. Instead, I choose peace, confidence, and freedom. And I choose those things because of the Gospel and because of who I am in Jesus.