Hard Steps Forward

I didn't even realize how right I was when I told Daddy, "Every step forward will be full of hard."

This post isn't really about Mama. It's more about me and my thoughts on God and freedom and surrender. But in case you are wondering, Mama is doing so well. She is off the ventilator and talking. Mama is pretty disoriented and out of it, in part from the drugs and in part from being in the ICU with no way to mark day or night. But she is doing beautifully, and we are making so much progress.

Yet it is hard, in a new way, to see her like this. It's hard for her to be so disoriented. It's a twisted kind of funny, and thank God He allows us to laugh at it. Mama is in pain, and she doesn't exactly know what is going on. But its still good to talk with her and laugh with her and have times like last night where our family just did what our family does - talked and joked and laughed. And I rejoice in each step forward and look forward to the day when the "happy ending" that Daddy mentioned comes about.

Each movement of progress teaches me in a new way to rely on the Lord. At church this morning, the sermon was on Jeremiah 2 and "broken cisterns." I loved the sermon, and it was very applicable to what I usually post about - if all this wasn't going on, I would probably take the time to write out all my thoughts about it! But it applies to this situation, so I thought I would share anyway.

The passage talked about how Israel has turned from the Lord, broken their covenant with Him. In verse 13, its says, "My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." I love that because it implies an attitude of independence that Israel had towards the Lord. Instead of relying on Him, they chose to do for themselves - find ways to protect and save themselves through building their own cisterns instead of turning towards the spring of living water.

So often I live in that place where I chose to dig myself a broken cistern. So often I want to prove that I am capable, I am strong enough, I am independent and self-reliant. So I keep on, striving to do, striving to be, and then I come to that place where I realize that in fact, all that I am doing is spinning in circles, wearing myself out for something that is completely and utterly broken, spilling out all that I am trying to do as fast as I am doing it.

And so today, with each step forward that is so hard, I am learning to run to the spring of living water. Because nothing else satisfies, nothing else comforts, nothing else is capable of bearing me through. It such a sweet experience, so just trust and move in those steps forward praying and surrendering. Because that is my freedom - to surrender and turn this hard over to the One who is both capable and willing to carry it for me.